Quest: Breaking

Chapter 8 - Breaking

Chichi was shocked at what she saw when she came over the rise. It was Goku. That wasn't the surprise - this was a favorite spot of his. But the poor thing was crying. She couldn't ever remember seeing him do that.

"Goku?" she asked softly, kneeling in front of him. "What's wrong?"

"Chichi?" he gasped, brown eyes staring at her in shock.

"Goku...honey...what's the matter?"

"Noth...nothing-" Goku began, and she began to say something about what a lousy liar he was when he suddenly wrapped his arms around her waist and began sobbing on her shoulder.

She was stunned, but strangely pleased to realize Goku still needed her. She made soothing noises, stroking his back, just letting him cry himself out.

"Shhh, baby," she crooned, rocking and petting him. "It's okay," she repeated over and over, humming to calm him down. Some time later he finally stopped crying but continued to cling to her. She didn't stop petting him, just waiting until he was calm enough to speak.

"I'm sorry," Goku said after a few minutes, his voice muffled by her shoulder.

"Goku...honey - what's wrong?" she asked again.

"It's nothing..." he muttered, sitting up and wiping his eyes.

She studied his miserable expression, trying to decipher it, not sure what could make her ex so unhappy.

"Did you two have a fight?"

Goku's head bobbed up and he blinked at her as if surprised at the question. Then he returned to staring at the ground and shook his head.

She resisted the urge to sigh. Goku was usually pretty forthcoming, but the rare times he clammed up it required a game of twenty questions to find out what was wrong.

Chichi was surprised then, when Goku raised his head and looked at her with his dark eyes, studying her.

"Chichi...are...are we still friends?" he asked, nearly pleading.

The question stunned her. What had happened to Goku that would make him doubt that? "Of course we are, honey. That will never change."

He made a tiny, relieved smile that quickly faded.

"Did Krillin do something?" she asked. She had learned what happened when they were preparing for the ship from Gohan. It was unlikely there was any chance of salvaging that friendship. She had cursed to herself when she heard how violent Goku had gotten - but she really couldn't talk. She had kicked the hate-filled little homophobic bastard herself.

"No...he won't even talk to me anymore. I tried to apologize..." He fell silent and began to play with his tail.

"Tell me, Goku," she said, resting her hand on his arm.

"Why do I keep losing friends? What am I doing wrong?"

Chichi wondered if anyone else knew how insecure Goku really was. He defined himself by his friends - had told her he derived much of his strength from them - and as far as he was concerned without them he was nothing. Some part of him couldn't believe people would still like him even if he weren't strong. It didn't help that he just didn't understand how being away for years might affect a friendship. He may not be there, but he was always loyal and thought everyone else was the same.

"Goku...you are a good person. I'm positive you haven't done anything wrong. If they aren't your friends anymore, it is their loss, not yours."

"But why?" he pleaded.

"Who honey? Who said something?"

"The Kais..."

She waited...she had long ago accepted Goku being on speaking terms with gods.

"...they won't help-"

He stopped and Chichi thought for a moment he was going to cry again. Goku took a shaky breath and seemed to get enough control in order to continue.

"I thought King Kai was my friend, but he - but he won't help - none of the Kais will."

"Help with what, honey?"

He looked at her with such a lost, helpless expression she wanted to go kick the Kais around for making Goku so sad. What in the hell was going on?

"I can't tell you," he whispered.

What? Goku told her nearly everything now. Hell, he told her about those guys in Otherworld. Why couldn't he tell her this? He wasn't big on secrets... She studied his face. He wanted to tell her, but he couldn't?

If he couldn't, he was probably trying to protect someone - and the person most likely was Vegeta. Poor Goku - always the hero, no matter how much it hurt him. Who rescued the hero? But the idea of Vegeta needing protection was a new one for her.

Then again, she had heard some strange things about the prince lately. She had discounted most of them, but now she wondered. To start with, Trunks had been complaining about not seeing his father. She wasn't surprised at going long periods without speaking to Vegeta - while Goku was gone his visits were sporadic. Besides, the boy had a tendency to be over-dramatic, so she figured he just hadn't seen Vegeta as much as he wanted to. A few days ago, Trunks had brought it up again, this time saying his father was sick. And now that she thought about it, she hadn't seen the prince for ages.

"Goku - tell me what you are so upset about. Is something wrong with Vegeta? Can I help?"

"It's not safe..." he said, voice cracking, wrapping his arms tightly around himself.

"What's not safe? What's wrong?"

"Vegeta...Vegeta doesn't want anyone to know," he mumbled.

This secrecy was not normal for Goku. And she had a burst of concern - had she made a mistake helping the two Saiyans get together? Bulma had called her the other day, absolutely furious at something Vegeta had supposedly done. Then again, she had discovered years ago Bulma was pretty vanilla about sex, so she probably just didn't understand what she had seen. But what if Bulma was right?

Vegeta had an incredible amount of influence over Goku - so much that her ex was doing something he obviously didn't want to. Would Vegeta take unfair advantage of that? Chichi didn't think so, but she felt a huge responsibility for Goku. He was thoroughly miserable and she wanted to help him. The problem was, he wasn't going to just tell her on his own - she'd have to drag the story out of him.

"Goku...this may sound like a strange question..." she began, "But...is Vegeta hurting you?"

He raised his head and looked at her bewildered. "Like when we spar...?" he asked with confusion.

"I don't mean that. I mean otherwise...at home." She had never understood the need Saiyans seemed to have to beat the crap out of each other, but it was never personal and at least there was some sense of guidelines when they trained.

"I don't understand, Chichi. I love Vegeta. Why would he hurt me?"

She gave a sigh of relief. "I knew Bulma was screwy. I told her you guys were just playing a bondage scene." Bulma obviously didn't understand the rules for scenes, so she probably misinterpreted it. Chichi didn't get into the whole pain/pleasure thing herself, but she did enjoy using restraints sometimes. Knowing the punishment their bodies could take, she hadn't been surprised to hear the Saiyans used them.

Goku stared at her, wide-eyed. "Wha...what...?" he breathed.

"Yeah," she said, relaxing. "I guess you guys sent back the Gravity Room really damaged. She wanted to find out what in the hell Vegeta had done to destroy it. You must have removed the main recording, but Bulma found a backup copy of you two - the little hentai watched it. You should have heard her - she called me, practically screeching, insisting Vegeta was really hurting you and trying to kill you."

"I-it wa-wasn't his f-fault. H-he d-didn't..." Goku stuttered, and Chichi was suddenly scared at the fear in his eyes.

"Goku? What happened?" she asked with alarm. It hadn't been a game? Was Goku actually afraid of Vegeta? Had he really gotten hurt?

"Frieza. It was Frieza. It was Frieza," he sobbed, curling up and rocking again, his tail wrapped tightly around his waist.

"Goku. Honey," she said softly.

"Woman."

She snapped her head around to see Vegeta standing there in jeans, shirtless, shoeless, tail thrashing. Now what should she do?

"Vegeta," she said, standing protectively between him and Goku, not that it would accomplish anything. "Is what Bulma said true? Did you really hurt Goku?"

"No," Goku whispered.

Vegeta stared at her with a dark intensity and she saw something like pain and regret cross the prince's eyes.

"Yes," he finally said, "But I will die before allowing it to happen again."

She was so stunned at this admission she was unable to do anything as the prince stepped around her to kneel in front of Goku.

"Kakorr," he said, hand cupping Goku's cheek. Goku raised his head and looked at him.

"It wasn't you," Goku said in a voice so soft she could barely hear it.

"I know Kakorr," he said gently. "It was the lizard. It doesn't change what happened to you, or the fact you nearly died as a result."

Chichi wasn't sure what to do. Goku didn't seem scared. She knew Goku loved Vegeta, and it seemed obvious the prince cared just as much. Vegeta was tenderly holding him and Goku had relaxed as soon as the prince's arms were around him. But Bulma's version of what she had seen had been vaguely sickening. And to realize it was real...

The prince stood, cradling Goku in his arms. She was amazed to see her tall, strong ex-husband carried like a child, his arms and tail wrapped around Vegeta. Once he had been picked up, he seemed to collapse in the prince's arms.

"Vegeta..." she began, taking a deep breath and preparing herself for a battle she had no chance of winning. "I can't let you just take him. You have to promise me. I have to know. Will Goku be safe?"

He glared at her, tail bristling, obviously annoyed at being challenged. She glared right back. And then...he blinked, the glare vanished and his expression softened as he looked at Goku's face.

"I have sworn on my honor to protect him from everyone - including myself. I will not harm him," Vegeta said. He turned to leave.

"But why is he so unhappy? What's wrong?" she asked, confused at the sudden change.

Vegeta stopped at her softly spoken question, turning to look at her with indecipherable black eyes.

"I will speak to you...and the w- Bulma soon." He paused. "Do not worry...Chichi...he will be safe with me."

He had shocked her again - Vegeta had used her name for the very first time. She was stunned into silence as he turned and began to walk back to their house. He had gone a few yards before she remembered why she had come this way in the first place.

"Vegeta, wait," she said, jogging after the prince. He had stopped and turned, watching her with an eyebrow raised. "I almost forgot why I was coming over. Here." She placed a capsule in his hand. "I cooked for you."

Vegeta just looked at her a moment, then nodded before turning and walking away.

------------------

Vegeta gently placed his lover on the bed, dark eyes studying him with concern. Kakorr just sat on the edge, eyes downcast. His attempt to remove the brainwashing with the Nameks' help had somehow pushed Kakorr to this. And his insistence on secrecy made it harder on him.

He had done as he had said and let Kakorr go out to be alone. But Kakorr...he had lost control again. Their bond was stronger now and this time not only could Vegeta could feel every single one of his doubts and fears he also 'heard' them. It had taken all of his willpower to stay away. He had been relieved when the woman had shown up. Maybe she could help where he couldn't.

Vegeta hadn't meant to spy, but he had heard their entire exchange, staying home until she had said something about a recording and him hurting Kakorr. He was already out the door and moving as Kakorr began to protest in horror at being 'discovered.' He was surprised and even a little impressed when the woman stood her ground against him, scenting a hint of fear, but she hid it well. He knew she still cared for Kakorr on some level and understood her concern.

He sighed and bent to remove Kakorr's shoes. The mood swings his lover had gone through today had numbed him, and Vegeta just wanted to get him to relax and try to recover.

It had taken him some time to realize Kakorr wasn't deliberately hiding things from him. He just didn't dwell on problems like Vegeta did, so when it came out it tended to be in a rush. And today he had triggered a torrent.

He still didn't understand how Kakorr managed to separate him - the person he loved - from the monster who raped him. He didn't think he could do that. He just wasn't that good of a person. But Kakorr had done it - could look at him and never see the one who had tortured him nearly to death. It was a gift, and Vegeta treasured it, knowing without it they could not have survived.

The first time Vegeta had been raped...he had been sent with Radditz on a purging mission as soon as he got out of the tank. He had been insane then - wiped out an entire planet's population in a single day instead of the allotted three. Afterwards...afterwards he and Radditz began something like a ritual. For every time he was raped Radditz gave him pleasure. It may not have been the method ningens would recommend, but it worked for him. The only real drawback...was it a drawback? When he got frightened or realized he was helpless he demanded hungry, desperate sex, trying to prove to himself he was in control of something in his life.

But he didn't think Kakorr would respond to being raped with violence. Kakorr needed to talk, and the realization he felt cut off from anyone he could talk to about what had happened hurt Vegeta. He rarely had discussed anything with Radditz - that wasn't how he dealt with things. But he was secure in the knowledge he could if he wanted to. And Kakorr was a talker. Everything that had happened had been festering, and now that Vegeta was aware of it he could see how Kakorr was gradually withdrawing.

Kakorr needed the chance to react whether it be with anger - or grief - or something else - over what had been done to him. But in his mind he couldn't - not with Vegeta. That would be too much like blaming him. And Kakorr, while friendly with Piccolo, had never had the level of friendship with the Namek Vegeta and even Gohan had. Vegeta didn't want anyone else to know, so whom else could he talk to?

He cursed to himself. Was he destined to always hurt Kakorr, even if he didn't mean to?

Kakorr was unresisting as his shirt was slipped off, letting himself be put to bed and leaned back against the pillows. Vegeta sat beside him, enfolding him in his arms, twisting his tail around the darker one of his lover's, curling them both around Kakorr's waist. He purred comfortingly and surrounded them both with gentle ki until Kakorr eventually relaxed against him, resting on his chest and shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Kakorr," he finally said. "I keep doing things without thinking about how they will affect you." His fingers tenderly caressed the soft cheek.

"It's not your fault," Kakorr whispered. "I just..."

"You haven't spoken to anyone about what happened to you, have you?" he asked gently. Kakorr didn't answer, just turned his head so his face was buried in his neck.

"Kakorr...you were raped." He heard his lover begin to protest and placed his fingers over his lips. "I know - 'It wasn't me' - but that doesn't change what happened to you. It has been over two months and you haven't dealt with it at all. You can't keep doing this to yourself. I know you Kakorr...you have to do something - talk to someone."

"I can't-" Kakorr protested.

Vegeta closed his eyes. He almost wished Kakorr blamed him. Maybe then he would shout at him, curse at him, even beat the crap out of him - anything to get him past this numb non-reaction. He looked down to realize Kakorr's tail had escaped his own and was now wrapped around his arm as he stroked Kakorr's back.

"You aren't comfortable discussing it with Piccolo or myself, are you?"

"No," came the tiny answer.

"What about your woman - Chichi? You seem to be able to deal with her." He didn't understand their relationship anymore, although he was confident he had nothing to be jealous of. Maybe Kakorr needed the understanding - nearly mothering - she could provide.

"I can't...she doesn't know."

Vegeta was silent for a moment as he considered his options - and realized if he was going to be fair to Kakorr he had none. Kakorr was more important to him than his pride, no matter how much it might hurt him. He had lived with hatred before; he could do it again. As long as he was worthy in Kakorr's eyes, he had to stop caring what others thought of him.

"Then I will tell her - and the blue-haired...Bulma."

Kakorr sat up and stared at him in shock and disbelief. ::No!::

"Kakorr - listen to me. If she has seen the recording then she already knows. You have said all along she can help, but I didn't want to tell her."

"But Vegeta-" he protested.

"Making you keep this a secret isn't fair to you. It is too much like punishing you for being hurt." He could feel Kakorr's mixed relief, confusion, fear and guilt as he returned to his arms. If they stopped speaking to him, blaming and hating him for what happened he would deal with it. He just didn't want Kakorr to continue suffering like this.

::It wasn't you.::

"You keep saying that Kakorr, but I've never understood how you can be so positive."

He was silent, listening to his lover breathe, stroking dark spikes as he felt Kakorr's internal conflict. He had never been able to answer that question before, so Vegeta was surprised when he got a response.

"You... you... disappeared. You were there one minute, and then you were gone. You were so sad - upset - about the chip...and then you suddenly were gone."

"What do you mean?" Today had reminded him how his memory shifted focus when he realized how much he loved Kakorr - but he never thought anyone would have noticed when it happened.

"I-I couldn't feel you in my head anymore - through our bond. When...he was hurting me I kept trying to find you. But-" Kakorr stopped and took a sobbing breath. "I thought you were dead and Frieza- He kept hurting me and all I could think was you were dead and I was too weak and I had failed you."

Kakorr started crying and Vegeta felt helpless. All he could do was continue to hold him, purring soothingly. He could feel all of Kakorr's emotions right now, and the mix of shame, failure and fear was crushing.

::You've never failed me, Kakorr.::

"He was killing me - I was dying - and I didn't care... because you were gone. Then...just before I died - you came back. You were there - and you saved me from him and Frieza. You stopped him and took the chains off."

Kakorr had not spoken so much about what had happened that day and Vegeta was speechless. He really did see his attacker as a totally different person. He wasn't sure he could disagree - the memories did feel more like he was on the outside watching. Now he had a better picture of how Kakorr coped with his attack.

"When you were going to kill yourself... I had already lost you once that day - If I had lost you again I- I wouldn't have been able to survive. Without you... If you had died...

"And then...today...it was like it was happening again. I remembered what it was like to lose you - and it hurt all over again."

Kakorr was shaking, and Vegeta knew he was ashamed at what he saw as weakness. Foolish ningen - there was a time and place for tears and this obviously was one.

::I'm sorry, Vegeta.::

"I'm the one who is sorry, Kakorr. I didn't know." He continued to hold Kakorr, purring for him as he struggled yet again with his own feelings of powerlessness. Kakorr eventually calmed down, relaxing against him, a rumbling purr beginning and his tail starting to sway lazily.

"Vegeta?" he asked groggily.

He made a wordless response as he continued to stroke Kakorr's back.

"What did you do...?"

::Kakorr?::

"When Frieza... when he... when you..." Kakorr fell silent.

Vegeta held his breath. He knew what Kakorr was asking, and of all questions, for some reason he had never expected that one. He had only recently come to something like terms, acknowledging what Frieza and the others had done to him was rape.

::I'm sorry - I shouldn't have asked.::

::It's alright, Kakorr - you just surprised me.::

"I had the advantage of knowing it was going to happen, thanks to your brother," he said thoughtfully. "After I got out of the tanks...I was furious at the lizard for making me feel so weak and defenseless. It wasn't the pain as much as what the bastard said while he did it. It was...degrading. I always hated being called pet and monkey - he just made it worse."

"He called me monkey," Kakorr said softly.

"I know," he said gently before pausing, trying to remember events he had done his best to forget. "We - Radditz and I - were sent on a purging mission-" He told Kakorr how he had butchered an entire planet in his anger, no longer proud of it, but unwilling to lie to him.

::You're not that person anymore, Makoto.::

::That...darkness...never totally goes away, Kakorr.::

Kakorr said nothing, just pressing closer, when he told him about having sex - making love - with Radditz after the rapes.

"Nearly every time I was raped, he was there, making me remember what it was supposed to be. If it wasn't for Radditz, I don't think I would have a son. I'm sure I never would have let you touch me.

"I should have remembered how Radditz had helped me - maybe you wouldn't feel so badly now. Instead...instead I hurt you by making you wait so long before touching you again." He fell silent, remembering.

"He loved you, too. Thank you," Kakorr whispered.

He drew his sleepy lover closer and purred for him. Vegeta was not really sure what Kakorr was thanking him for, but he was glad he had apparently done something right.

::For telling me...::

He felt Kakorr's smile in his head and it warmed him. "I guess we both owe the hairball."

TBC