Quest: Memories

Chapter 6 - Memories

Vegeta almost smiled as Kakorr practically bounced around the bedroom getting ready. He'd swing by where Vegeta was dressing, give him a quick kiss, and then go back to his hunt for a shoe or sock, tail swaying happily.

Dende had sent word through Piccolo - he expected an answer today from the Kais about the brainwashing. Kakorr was positive it was good news, hence his bubbly mood. Vegeta wasn't so sure - Piccolo didn't share the younger Saiyan's enthusiasm. He had even gone as far as pulling Vegeta aside and reassuring him that a solution would be found no matter what it took.

In the meantime, Kakorr's cheer was contagious and he decided to give himself permission to enjoy his lover's happiness. Kakorr was hopping around the room, trying to shove his foot into a shoe when Vegeta tripped him and sat on his stomach with a grin.

Kakorr purred happily and cooperated enthusiastically, curling his tail around Vegeta's waist. Vegeta kissed him thoroughly and completely, wishing this pleasure didn't have to end. When he finally let his lover take a breath Kakorr's lips were deliciously swollen and his cheeks were flush.

::Take us to The Lookout, Kakorr,:: he commanded with a smirk.

Kakorr moved to stand up, but he pinned his shoulders to the floor, tail flicking in amusement. "Like this Kakorr."

Kakorr looked at him in surprise. "But Piccolo..."

"...will freak out. I know. Do it," he said with a grin before bending over to capture his lover's mouth again.

"Aw, damn it you two. Get a room," Piccolo complained as they reappeared on The Lookout.

Vegeta ignored him for a few more delicious seconds, continuing to kiss Kakorr, aware of Dende's curious, interested observation. He finally sat up, grinned at Piccolo, licked his lips, and helped Kakorr to his feet. ::Look Kakorr - I told you he blushes purple.::

::That wasn't nice, Vegeta.::

::Maybe not, but it was fun.::

Piccolo sighed. "Are you done?"

"For now," Vegeta answered. "You seem to have some issues, Elf-boy."

"Asshole."

He just smirked at the glaring Namek until Piccolo just sighed and shook his head in disgust.

"Hi Dende!" Kakorr said, cheerfully.

Vegeta turned to study the younger Namek. At least he didn't tremble anymore when the Saiyans showed up. Piccolo had explained how the Kais had misled him, and since then Vegeta had noticed how the brat was trying to make amends.

"You have their answer?" Vegeta asked, but from the Namek's downcast eyes he suspected what their response was.

"Yes. I'm sorry, Vegeta," Dende said sadly, raising his head to meet his eyes. "The Kais refuse to help you."

Vegeta shrugged and walked away from the Guardian. He wasn't surprised at the answer - he was more amazed it had taken this long to get a response from the puffed-up bastards. They were probably stringing him along deliberately - hoping he would die at his own hand or someone else's.

"What?" Kakorr protested, scandalized. "Why?"

Vegeta sighed. He felt Kakorr's feeling of betrayal and disbelief. His hope had vanished in an instant, nearly making Vegeta cry out in sympathy. He couldn't though - it was his duty to be strong now - supporting Kakorr as yet another friend abandoned him. Vegeta had never trusted the Kais - willing to use them as they used him - so this was no shock to him. Kakorr however...

Kakorr believed in the inherent goodness in nearly everyone. Because of their bond he understood that now - could even tap some of that faith if he tried. That was probably the reason he had been able to forgive the Namek brat. But Kakorr was always surprised with he was lied to or mislead - he thought everyone would do things to be 'nice' or 'helpful'. Unlike him, Kakorr couldn't be cynical about anything. Vegeta wasn't surprised at the Kais having a hidden agenda, but judging from the agitated slashes of Kakorr's tail, he was.

"Kakorr," he said softly, shaking his head.

Goku turned his head to look at Vegeta in confusion. How could he accept this so calmly? They had waited all this time, hoping for their help - and now this?

"You mean they can't," he said hopefully, not wanting to believe the Kais would deliberately leave someone he loved in this condition. ::No, it's not fair, it's not fair...::

"No, Goku," Dende said apologetically. "They won't. I'm not sure if they really know what to do, but they refuse to help Vegeta."

"What do you mean?" he demanded angrily, ki flickering around him. "After everything we've done?" Something inside him was breaking. King Kai was his friend... "How could they-?"

"Kakorr, stop. It is because of everything I've done. They have a long memory - I told you before why I will not fight them." He had known Kakorr's hope and felt it crumbling. He had shared that hope - not liking some of the more desperate solutions they had discussed - but he wasn't shocked at their response the way Kakorr was. The Kais had more reasons not to trust him than to believe he had changed. There wasn't much he could do against the bastards anyway - they were nearly unreachable, immune to threats, and held the fate of his son's soul in their hands. He would not risk their children being sent to hell like the other Saiyans were when they died.

"Son," Piccolo said, finally breaking his silence, "We'll find another way."

Vegeta wanted to shake his head no. He had felt Kakorr's desire for a miracle cure, but he doubted there was one. He had lived so long with this bomb in his head and didn't even know what had really triggered it. The lizard had said it happened because he had finally fallen in love, but he had been in love with Kakorr before it had happened, hadn't he? Did this mean he didn't love his son-?

::Damn it!:: He could feel it - that prickle - that itch for blood...

::Vegeta...::

Kakorr's thoughts were soft, hesitant, but he could hear his lover clearly when a gentle hand rested on his shoulder. Vegeta had resisted more mentally invasive methods to cure him. Kakorr had suggested the dragonballs, but it would be months before they were active and he could feel the danger growing daily. It was obvious to him there really was no alternative. Could it be any worse than what had been done to him against his will? At least these would be friends; people trying to help him, not hurt him. And Kakorr would be there to protect him...

::Makoto - no...you don't have to do this.::

::I'm running out of options, Kakorr. The Nameks already know - they might be able to help. I'd rather the ningens didn't find out.::

::But maybe Bulma can find something useful in the ships files...::

::Kakorr - we've discussed this. Do you realize how long Frieza was dead? There wouldn't be records anymore - and if there were they wouldn't in a language she knows. The woman might be intelligent, but...::

::Vegeta...::

Kakorr was looking at him with those earnest eyes, fully aware he was trying to avoid the primary reason he didn't want the woman to know.

Even after the wretched way Bulma had discarded him, he still...cared. He kept telling himself it was nothing more than friendship...they had a child together, nothing more. But every time he thought about her there was that...itch. He was afraid for the woman's safety. And he realized he did not want her to hate him.

::Bulma might get angry - but maybe not. Don't underestimate her. She might understand and be able to help. I know, Vegeta. You're concerned she might blame you...::

::Hell, I blame me. I keep thinking if I had just resisted the bastards a little more.::

::Vegeta...Makoto...you were drugged. A prisoner. How could you?::

Vegeta shook his head. The topic still made him...uncomfortable. No matter how he tried the memory was shattered and nightmarish. If only he could remember - if he knew what really happened...would he be able to defeat their conditioning?

He took a deep breath, steeling himself, before turning to the Namek watching them in silence. Kakorr's hand was warm on his shoulder, a source of comfort and strength. He could still feel Kakorr's anger and confusion, but it was pushed down - suppressed - in order to deal with Vegeta's need.

He had already made his decision, even though he knew it would be one of the most difficult things he had ever done. Dying was easier for him than what he had in mind.

"I..." GodS, Kakorr could ask for help, why couldn't he? And he needed it. His lover couldn't keep doing everything for him. Damned pride - it was going to destroy him and everyone around him at this rate. How did Kakorr do it? He scratched the back of his head in embarrassment.

"Piccolo...," he tried again, not noticing the Namek's wide-eyed stare. "I need...I need your...help." There - he had said it. "I know what the lizard said triggered the brainwashing... but I'm not sure. I'm hoping he lied." Maybe if he knew what had caused it, he could avoid it.

Piccolo resisted the urge to shiver. He knew what it cost his friend to ask for help and would not refuse him. What bothered him - almost scared him - was the way the Saiyans were acting right now. He had seen their strange little personality shifts over the past few months, but this was new. As Vegeta asked his question, their body language had totally swapped.

Goku's gentle expression had vanished in an instant and now he was glaring, arms crossed, tail slashing in anger. He half expected him to burst into Super Saiyan and go destroy the Kais for their betrayal. Vegeta on the other hand...he had a sheepish grin on his face and was rubbing his non-existent scar. Did they realize what had happened?

"Of course, Vegeta. Anything I can do," he said. "What did you have in mind?" He watched the prince concentrate, as if he was trying to gather his thoughts. Goku put his hand back on the prince's shoulder and Piccolo imagined he could hear the snap as the Saiyans returned to their normal selves.

"After I - after..." Vegeta hesitated, trying to think what to say that wouldn't upset Kakorr more then he already was. He wanted to say 'After I raped and killed Kakorr', but that would just start a pointless discussion. "When my memory of what had happened came back... there are still parts missing. I don't remember much of what happened before - I don't know what started it."

"You want me to help you remember?" Piccolo said doubtfully.

"Damn it, Namek," Vegeta snapped. "I'd rather forget the whole fucking disaster. But I can't. I don't know what really caused it and if there is any hope of protecting-" He hesitated, suddenly shaken by the enormity of what he was asking for. He finally continued in a quiet voice. "I need to. I have to find out what he really did to me." He could hear Kakorr's worry - the idea of reliving that day bothered him. He would rather forget it ever happened, but Vegeta knew that was not going to work.

+++++

Piccolo had consulted with both Kami and Dende, and after some discussion, it was decided to try this as a group. Even though it was the best solution, it irked him that he was going to have to give up some control temporarily to the former Guardian. Kami had the most knowledge of the mind and its impulses, having split himself deliberately. He was confident he could find the trigger - and possibly even a method to deactivate it.

Piccolo had watched Vegeta carefully while details were arranged. The prince seemed resigned to this invasion as if he didn't care anymore who knew the details of his life. Piccolo knew that wasn't true - Vegeta was an extremely private, controlled person. The changes the prince had gone through since bonding with Goku...the changes he had made for Goku - did he realize how different he was? But this request coming from the prince was a total shock.

Worse yet, Piccolo didn't want to go this deeply into his friend's mind - even Goku was slightly twitchy at this. He was inclined to agree. He didn't like this whole thing, but he had done some studying since he learned what had happened to Vegeta. If this didn't work there was the possibility of needing to drug the prince in an attempt to deprogram him. If they weren't careful, that could destroy him - and what would that do to Goku? They were so close now that if you hurt one you hurt the other - and two damaged Super Saiyans was a terrifying thought.

He had watched, bemused, as the Saiyans held a silent discussion. Their bond was getting stronger every day - it seemed their telepathy worked best when they were touching. Vegeta had mentioned it, but it was still a strange thing to watch...but then again, what did he look like when Kami or Nail butted in.

Piccolo didn't know if he was the best one to perform this dangerous experiment, but Vegeta and Goku both insisted. They trusted him. Great - trusted him to go wandering through the prince's damaged mind. He had asked Vegeta what if something went wrong, but the answer came out of Goku's mouth - 'Look Greenbean, it couldn't get any more fucked up than it already is.' Son had blinked in confusion and Vegeta had smirked. Those two were getting too fucking weird.

Goku sat behind Vegeta, not trying to get into the deep meditative state of the prince, but acting as a calming anchor. Dende said he doubted he could actually heal any mental damage, but perhaps he could help - he would do what he could. The Guardian had changed a lot... maybe Gohan and the brats visiting had helped. And Popo - hell...he had Kami in his head and he still didn't know what in the hell the guy did - he was just...there.

Vegeta must be truly desperate to allow this. Even though willing, it just felt to Piccolo like mental rape. He didn't want to do this. Kami kept telling him it wasn't wrong, but he wasn't totally convinced. He had to keep reminding himself it was to help Vegeta, not hurt him.

Piccolo let his breathing slow to match that of his friend. He still couldn't believe the prince was going to voluntarily let him into that dark mind of his. Goku, yes - he didn't think the younger Saiyan had as much to hide, and any darkness that touched him rolled off into the light surrounding him.

He was surprised then, when he brushed across Vegeta's mind and felt Goku. No...this wasn't Son...it was... hell, there was never a vocabulary for this... lighter shadows... He wondered if this was from their bond, or if it would be there even if they hadn't fused. And what would they be like if Vegeta got his wish and they became mates?

Vegeta had cleared a path to the day in the Gravity Room, almost inviting him in. Piccolo dropped deeper into his trance, feeling Kami at his side, supporting him.

He felt a strange vertigo when he saw his hands...no they weren't green...tan hands...moving over switches.

~~These are Vegeta's memories. You are seeing things from his point of view,~~ Kami informed him.

++ I stop the recording with a moan. The movements, the body language, the way the tail hung just above the ground as if it were too heavy to do more...I know them. I know them all. That expression wasn't mine. It has haunted my dreams for most of my life. That contemptuous smile - it was Frieza.

++I am Frieza.

Piccolo clamped down on his reaction, the horror Vegeta had felt at the discovery of Frieza's control over him nearly over-whelming. He wanted to retreat, but stopped himself. The Saiyans had dealt with this alone - he could...he could...so much fear...

++He did something to me - I'm never going to escape.

++ I make a wordless cry and press my lips to Kakorr's, tasting my own tears. Kakorr opens for me, letting me sate my hunger. I can feel Kakorr in my head, a warm comforting presence, somehow understanding my desperation. I make a hungry growl and slide my tongue over my companion's skin, tracing his jaw with my lips. Kakorr moans and tilts his head, exposing his throat in a sign of trust I cherish but know I don't deserve.

Piccolo felt a tiny thrill of jealousy - was that what it felt like to have a lover...someone who would stay with you? Goku trusted the prince with his life and Vegeta was so different around him. Was this what love felt like?

++ How deep are my fingers? I have to remove the chip. I ignore the blood and the pain and press deeper, my arm twisted at an impossible angle. Close - I know I am close. More...just a little more.

++ I collapse to my knees, whimpering in pain and terror. My fingers are buried deep in my shoulder as I desperately try to dig out the source of my nightmare. ::Close. Just a little more. Then I'll be free.:: I touch something and scream, agony lancing up my spine, as memories and images flood into my brain.

This...this was hell. Vegeta was nearly insane when this happened. He had tried to dig out the slave chip with his bare hands, not caring that he would die if he succeeded. Piccolo could feel Goku's presence in the memories and knew that was the only thing that saved the prince. He could feel the change when the barriers in Vegeta's mind dropped, allowing Goku to feel what he did. Their bond had held him - anchored him.

++"You don't own me," I snap at Frieza.

++"Poor little monkey. You just don't understand, do you? Your father didn't want you - he gave you to me. I have great plans for you, pet. I can put you in command of armies of followers - all you have to do is swear your loyalty to me."

++"I am the Prince of all Saiyans - I will not swear loyalty to you," I snarl, struggling to pull his noose-like tail free, afraid...hating that fear...that the lizard is telling the truth about my father. No - I cannot think about defeat around the lizard. If I think it, it can happen - and I will not let the freak beat me.

++Frieza chuckles and tightens his tail, making each breath an effort.

++"All Saiyans? How amusing. Little monkey - there are only three of you left. Not much of a kingdom is it? You will never get enough strength from those two to resist me. I am offering you power, princeling - you will never get it any other way."

He had felt Frieza's evil on Namek, but this was worse than he had expected. Why he was surprised at it he didn't know - but somehow it seemed worse to torture a child than to blow up a planet. Maybe because he had seen what harm it had done to the child. Piccolo realized he would never have done what the lizard had - maybe he hadn't been as evil as he thought.

But Frieza's hatred of the prince was obvious - why would he offer an enemy power in exchange for loyalty? And why hadn't Vegeta lied and taken advantage of him?

~~Why indeed?~~ Kami put in. ~~This over-confidence appears to be a weakness in the ice-jin. It is an extremely dangerous strategy, leaving Frieza open to betrayal.~~

++ I am snapped back to awareness by excruciating agony, starting in my shoulder, blazing down my spine to the tip of my tail, coursing up and searing my brain. I scream. I want to get away. I want to pass out. I want to die. But Frieza won't let me - I feel him twisting something deep inside of me, not letting me escape this torture.

Pain...so much pain...lancing through his body...it wouldn't stop...was that him screaming? He could feel Dende then, soothing, cooling the fire that coursed through him...

++"Bullshit! I will fight you." I will not let Frieza control me.

++"Perhaps little monkey, perhaps. It will be entertaining to leave you with enough free will to think you can fight me. I will let you run loose for now - I have plans for you...I might let you get strong enough to ascend like those foolish legends. You would make a very pretty pet as a Super Saiyan. But you will never be one without me."

++"I will. I'll get stronger. I'll destroy you!" I have to. I owe it to Radditz. I owe it to all of the Saiyans I have failed - the millions who have died because of me. I cannot fail them.

++Frieza erupts out of his seat, appearing instantly before me. I can't move out of the way as the lizard's fist slams into me, throwing me across the room.

++"No monkey. I will break you. I will crush you. You are bonded to me now - I am your master, and your weak Saiyan mind will keep you from being any type of threat to me. I own you Vegeta. You are my slave, my pet, my Saiyan."

Piccolo just wanted to go and rip the ice-jin apart, but Kami practically shoved him out of the way to study these memories in minute detail.

~~Slow down Piccolo - this is important. Vegeta seems to think so, and so do I. If we are going to remove Frieza's control we need to understand why he felt he needed it.~~

—Because he was a sick, twisted bastard, that's why—

~~Now is not the time. Let me study these memories.~~

++::I'm never going to escape from Frieza. He owns me - living or dead.::

++I return to the present, curled up and twitching, fingers still buried deep in my shoulder. I feel Kakorr carry me to the bed, but I am too numb from the memories to react. I don't resist as my mouth is opened and a Senzu is slipped inside. I see Kakorr's tears as he cleans the blood from my hands and feel guilt, knowing he has relived the entire horrific memory through our bond.

++Kakorr speaks - something about everything being all right, but I know it isn't true. It isn't possible. I can't escape.

++I'm suddenly terrified at the possibility of Frieza reaching my companion through our bond. What should I do? How can I protect Kakorr? Those rings I had attached to the gravity room - I know what they are for. I had been chained to them often enough by Frieza - chained, ki-restrained, beaten, tortured...raped...

++I actually shake with horror. Somehow...somehow Frieza will get to Kakorr through me. The lizard is a monster - he will destroy Kakorr - his darkness will smother that beautiful light. The closer I am to him, the more danger he is in. Kakorr has no defenses against someone that evil.

++I know I am weeping, but I ignore the tears running down my face, dripping into my companion's black hair. I have to get away from Kakorr. It is the only way to save him.

++I have to leave Kakorr - because I love him.

There...Piccolo and Kami thought in unison. Vegeta's memory ended at that moment. There were other, hazily recalled ones, but Kami held them there, studying, analyzing.

~~Frieza spoke the truth,~~ he finally told Piccolo. ~~According to Vegeta's memories, he had never been in love before. The trigger isn't being in love - it is acknowledging it.~~

—It feels like he vanished...—

~~In essence, he did...see, he hit Goku and knocked him out...but it is different. He isn't feeling it - he is watching it.~~

—Kami...I don't want to see this...— Piccolo protested as the memories moved forward, the viewpoint strangely skewed. Vegeta was putting ki restraints on Goku, attaching chains...

He could feel Kami hesitating, as if wondering if there was useful information here. ~~Very well - let's see if we can locate the moment when he 'returned'.~~

++Something screams at me to stop, to let go, but I can't make my hands obey.

++He smirks and pulls harder on the cloth, twisting it tighter around the monkey's neck.

++::Stop!::

~~See - he is wavering here. It feels like he is split into two different people. The 'good side' is trying to regain control before it is too late. And actually, he didn't realize it, but he succeeded - Goku's ki dropped dangerously low, but he wasn't dead, even though Vegeta believed he was.~~

++Finally the monkey stops gasping and collapses. He releases the cloth and drops it on the floor next to his prisoner.

++The monkey is dead.

++::Kakarott is dead.::

++He studies the body for a moment as he pulls his pants back on. Something is wrong about this - something is bothering him, telling him this is a mistake; he has to fix it now.

++::I killed Kakarott.::

++But he had to do it. He loved the man, and you are supposed to hurt and kill the ones you love.

++He loved Kakarott, so he had to die.

++::Kakorr is dead.::

++I love Kakorr...

++I make an anguished wail of despair as memory floods through me. What have I done? There is so much blood. My beloved Kakorr... "No," I sob, collapsing to my knees. The suffering I had caused. I remember it all - every punch, every burn...every punishing stroke. I remember how Kakorr wept and screamed as I made my nightmares real.

—What a sick fucking bastard.—

~~Piccolo - how can you say that about your friend? It obviously wasn't his fault.~~

—What? I wasn't talking about Vegeta, old man. I was talking about the damned lizard.—

~~I find I must agree. What a despicable thing to do to someone. It appears that the victim's death triggers the return of awareness. It also explains why Goku is safe now - because he 'died' at Vegeta's hands.~~

—That doesn't help with anyone else. His son is still in danger because of this.—

~~So are many others - including you, Piccolo.~~

TBC