The Strange Misadventures of Mr. Nice Guy: Turns Out, Flames Are Not Good For Jackets. Or Pollen.

Mr. Nice Guy couldn’t focus on anything else. He knew he was surrounded by a bunch of flowers, from all different colors, but other than that, he had literally no idea what else. He was sneezing way too hard to notice much of anything.

Items flew from his face like a broken factory from a kid’s cartoon show, shooting out with apparently no end as he sneezed and sneezed and couldn’t. Stop. Sneezing.

Test tubes and microwaves of every kind flew through the air, sailing into the flowers and causing an entire swathe of pollen to float into the air, which only made him sneeze louder, staggering around and crushing flowers underfoot, which he thought in the back of his mind that was a rather shame.

His tail thrashed around as he stood up—really, really stood up for the first time in what felt like forever—on his hind legs, as he preferred to walk, stumbling backwards and crashing through yet another wall of flowers that tossed their pollen into his faces like the opposing team in a dodgeball game whenever the opposite team’s kid got out.

Some sort of sparkly rocks and a stuffed lizard plushie sailed away from him as he sneezed, over and over again, falling hard on his butt and sitting there, trying to cover his face, but as he couldn’t quite close his mouth, ever, he was kind of stuck in a very annoying, infinite paradox. Also, it sort of hurt. 

“Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow!” he shrieked, thrashing his head around.

Okay, maybe it hurt a bit more than he was letting on.

Something rustled in the bushes just then, making his whole head swivel to the side, just as he sneezed once more, sending a full-sized specimen cabinet flying straight at it. 

“Sorry!” he tried to cry, then sneezed again as a cry of "What the actual hell?!” came from wherever that specimen cabinet had actually landed.

For a brief moment, his eyes and brain couldn’t agree on what he was seeing. The creature was bipedal, with furry brown hair on its head and pale skin, wearing clothes that had been through enough to earn them a therapist. In its arms sat a peculiar purpley-blue cat-ram thing, with a ram’s skull mask. From its neck and tail flew the brilliant colors of the rainbow, like floating silk, twisting and turning slowly and gracefully away from the creature, who apparently disliked him, by the way it seemed to be glaring at him.

Then the human—was it actually a human? There was a lot of creatures that looked like them that he kept running into recently—let out a scream that, for him, was louder than anything he’d ever heard before, which, in turn, made him sneeze, then scream, then sneeze twice, then scream again.

The human-creature swung around, shielding the peculiar creature with its body as it wrenched its arm back painfully far and hurled a tiny white pill bottle that reminded him of the ones that littered the trash cans at Dr. Crowell’s lab, with names he couldn’t even pronounce now, straight into his face.

Mr. Nice Guy yelped as it sailed into his mouth and disappeared, throwing eighteen little pills flying through the infinite space.

Mr. Nice Guy lifted his head to sneeze again, then paused, frozen with his head arched back painfully and one arm lifted into the air, then let his hand drop and sighed in relief, staring pointedly at the creature, who stared back, its eyes impossibly large.

After a couple minutes of waiting, the creature slowly set down the ram-cat thing and tilted its head at him, frowning. He opened his mouth, then shut it, then opened it again, cleared his throat, then spoke.

“Are you…are you a real thing?” he asked carefully.

Mr. Nice Guy frowned, then searched his mental vocabulary for the word ‘real’, then came up with nothing. “Hmm,” he mused, thinking and tapping his ring like the way Dr. Crowell would tap his chin when he was confused. 

“What does ‘real’ mean again?” muttered the eldritch creature, then glanced at him and frowned. “Are you real? I think I am. Maybe. Does ‘real’ mean nice?” he exclaimed. I am very nice! he thought excitedly.

The human thing stared at him again.

To break the awkward silence, Mr. Nice Guy hiccuped, then held out a hand for him to shake, as was the custom for humans, his tail wagging happily behind him. 

“Anyways, I’m Mr. Nice Guy! What are you? What’s your name? Are you sure you’re real?” he exclaimed as the human hesitated, then shook his hand, as though Mr. Nice Guy would attack him if he did.

“You know what? Being on the other end of that, I can see that’s a very loaded question,” the human admitted. “I’m Cameron, and this is Najika. I’m sorry. I’m still getting used to all the different kinds of people I’ve met since I left Earth.”

I’m a…people? Mr. Nice Guy thought in surprise. Wait, is it nice for people to apologize when they were wrong? Is that normal? Is…this human Cameron special? Hmm.

“I’m from Earth, too!” he cried excitedly. “Twinsies!”

Cameron tilted his head at him in confusion. “Really? I used to see things like you on Earth sometimes, but… I don’t think those were real. It’s a long story, but I get the feeling you aren’t related.”

“Probably not.” he chuckled, shrugging. “See, if you didn’t know, I’m not human.”

Cameron nodded slowly, making him wonder a bit if he’d said something wrong. “I…kinda got that already, but thanks for clarifying.” he chuckled.

OH NO! Mr. Nice Guy thought in worry. He already knew! That’s rude of me!

A couple seconds later, when he was thinking, the human spoke again. “Wait a second. I kinda think I recognize that name. There was a pretty well-known Dr. Crowell on Earth. Actually…he disappeared just a few weeks before I portalled out. Wasn’t his lab destroyed?”

Uh-oh, he thought, preparing him for Cameron’s inevitable question.

Then the human clutched Najika to his chest and stared at him in horror, his eyes flying wide. “Did you…?” he whispered, trailing off.

Mr. Nice Guy frowned, saying “Did I what?”, then glanced around, then down at the jacket he wore and the name tag on it and yelped in surprise. “Oh, no no no, Cameron, I didn’t steal the jacket! That would be rude! I’m just holding onto it until he wakes up, because, you see, whatever I put in my mouth has a strange habit of not being able to come back out again. Unless, of course, I have allergies, as you just witnessed. But don’t worry - Dr. Crowell is totally fine. He’s just sleeping. You humans need lots of sleep after things like accidents and having your labs destroyed. And speaking. He doesn’t speak, for some reason. I think it’s hard for him.”

“So…Dr. Crowell is alive? And okay?”

“He’s very alive,” Mr. Nice Guy boasted proudly. “And very okay. He’s one of my best friends actually. Do you…by chance, know how to get back to Earth? And—this is completely unrelated—but, do you have a way to wake people up that works for sure every time?”

Cameron blinked a couple times, rubbing his eyes and setting Najika down again, who stared at him malevolently, like she was planning to spit a hairball at him later. Dr. Crowell didn’t really like cats. They always seemed to hate him, and plus, he was also allergic.

 “Wow, so that’s a lot to unpack. I’m sorry, I don’t know how to get back to Earth. I haven’t really been looking for a way home, though. I’ve met a few travelers who have heard of it - they all say that the portals to Earth are extremely unstable and hard to locate.” the human said eventually.

“Oh,” Mr. Nice Guy croaked sadly. “T-that’s okay. I seem to be really good and finding random TV sets that toss me through reality. Maybe I’ll just find my way back home...unexpectedly.”

“Well, once we get out of this flower maze, I can help you ask around? Or we can stop at the Guild library? Every Guildhall has one. As for waking someone up… getting cold water dumped on me always wakes me right up. We can ask around about that, too.” Cameron said gently, reaching over and tapping his claw gently.

His smiley-disk quivered a bit at the offer this strange human was offering him, staring at the yellow heaps of pollen and dust covering the floor, twinkling at him merrily, like they hadn’t just assaulted his face a couple minutes ago. Cameron was the first…kind person he’d met, really, since Zephyr. And Zephyr hadn’t quite been the nicest, but they were fun to be around, and Zephyr seemed to really like him as well. Plus, Amvia hadn’t exactly been…friendly.

“You’d really help me?” Mr. Nice Guy asked finally, glancing down at the human who stood between his claws, looking at him with a broad smile, Najika sitting on his shoulder and continuing to glare at him.

“Sure. I’m a registered Guild Adventurer. It’s my job to help people in need. So we’ll get your problems figured out together. We’re still in the middle of a flower maze.” Cameron noted, glancing around, then gave him a reassuring smile again.

The eldritch creature glanced around as well, swiveling his head around his shoulders like it was an owl’s but better, finally taking in his surroundings. And sure enough, a thick flower maze surrounded them both, with no visible exit that he could see, and that was pretty impressive, because he was nearly nine feet tall on all fours and nearly eighteen when he stood up fully.

“Where are we?” he whispered, attempting not to hug Cameron and Najika. Nobody liked it when he hugged them, apparently. Also, humans were very, very squishy. He’d learned that with a couple of humans back on Earth, walking past the crushed houses. He could squish them on accident.

“We’re in a world called Castimeria. It’s festival season, which means all their wild flowers are in bloom. This maze is on its own private island. It’s a famous event - I took a portal to see it specifically, but I may have gotten in over my head.”  Cameron said awkwardly, digging his foot into the dust in obvious embarrassment. Najika swatted his face gently, making him chuckle.

“Oh.” Mr. Nice Guy said blankly. “Also, are hugs considered rude or something? Because I just tried to hug a bunch of things and they tried to hit me.” he added, pointing at the scratches covering his body, oozing a black, gooey substance.

 “Yeaaaaaaahhhhhh, I think you should get that checked out.” Cameron said, wincing. “It’s been my experience that most people like to give consent before getting a hug? So let’s put hugs on hold for just a little while and find a way out of here as quickly as possible. It turns out that I’m not very good at mazes. I’ve been wandering around for probably close to two hours now, and I’m not actually sure how far in we are. Do you have any experience with mazes?”

Mr. Nice Guy shook his head, frowning. What are mazes? he thought blankly.

“That’s okay. Let’s just see what we can figure out together,” Cameron offered. He let Najika settle on his shoulders again and motioned for Mr. Nice Guy to come along with him, leading him out of the dead end they sat in and onto what he hoped was the main passage. Silence spread amongst them as Mr. Nice Guy constantly twisted him around, staring at their surroundings.

They continued to push forward for another ten minutes until a left turn brought them into another dead end. Cameron sighed.

“This doesn’t appear to be an exit,” Mr. Nice Guy pointed out quite smartly, in his opinion.

“Nope. Another dead end. Okay, so let me think. If we go back the way we came - I took a left turn before I came across the path that led me to you. So if we trace back to that point, we can just go straight forward on that path.” Cameron mused, then let the strange, malnourished-looking creature follow him.

Mr. Nice Guy nodded enthusiastically when Cameron said things, trying to make it seem like he knew what he was talking about. Plus, the young human seemed like he needed the encouragement, especially from something that he seemed to rever as smart, in some way. They made quick work of retracing back to the point that Cameron remembered, though Mr. Nice Guy had to be honest, he had no idea where they were anymore. They continued straight ahead - ‘Maybe south?’ the human mused - for quite some time before the path twisted away into two directions, and they were presented with a choice of left or right. 

The human sighed, then brought out a strange, ancient glowing coin from his pocket. It glowed brighter than any natural metal from Earth might.

“Heads or tails?” Cameron asked.

“Heads or tails of what?” Mr. Nice Guy exclaimed, suddenly alarmed. His head whipped around again as he searched for whatever multi-headed, multi-tailed beast the human had spotted. DOES IT NEED A HUG?! he couldn’t help but think.

“Oh no, I’m sorry. That’s just an expression. I’m going to flip the coin. If it lands front up, that’s called Heads, and we’ll go right. If it lands with the back of the coin up, that’s called Tails. Then we’ll go left.” Cameron said.

Mr. Nice Guy tapped his mouth ring again while he considered it. Why don’t you just pick a direction? he thought, then refrained from asking, considering that to be rude. Also, maybe choosing tails would seem unfair since the young human didn’t seem to have one. Finally he said, “Heads.”

Human politeness was a hard nail to hit.

“Okay,” the human agreed. He flipped the coin in the air and caught it deftly, bringing it to rest on the back of his hand. He peered at it and nodded. “Heads it is. Let’s go right then.”

They took the path to the right and carried on for quite some time. They came across a few more forks in the road and tried to use reason when they could and flipped a coin when they couldn’t. They had to backtrack more than once, and after a little while, Cameron’s suspicions began to solidify into a steadfast belief that something was wrong.

“I know we just came from this direction,” he said. “But this isn’t how it was before. I thought maybe things were changing around us, but I’m sure of it now. Last time we were here, we had three options: left, straight ahead, or right. Now we can’t turn right?”

Mr. Nice Guy craned his face around to study the new wall of flowers and vines that now blocked their path.  Desperation started to settle over Cameron. “We really need to get out of here soon. It’s actually really weird to me that we haven’t run into anyone else this whole time. Now the path seems to be changing on us. I know this isn’t technically in the spirit of solving a maze honestly, but I think we might need to consider pushing through the walls.”

Mr. Nice Guy reared back, clearly scandalized. “Isn’t that breaking the rules?” he cried.

“A little? I mean, technically, sorta. But I think we need to consider that you need medical attention, and eventually all three of us are going to need more food and water than I have on me as well as sleep, and well… you know, a bathroom?”

Bathroom? he thought in confusion.

“We can’t break the rules, Cameron! That would be rude! The rules are important - they exist for a reason. We can’t just go breaking rules every time we’re in mortal danger!”

“That’s usually the exact point that you need to consider breaking some of the rules: mortal danger. It’s not like it’s a law, anyway. It’s just a rule for a game, and I think we should stop playing the game now. Besides, it’s starting to get dark and kinda cold.”

Although Mr. Nice Guy didn’t know the words for this particular feeling, Cameron’s suggestion that they BREAK THE RULES began to stoke anxiety deep inside the pit of infinite guts. The human had a point about mortal danger, and it was becoming quite dark and cold. Humans didn’t seem to tolerate extreme temperatures very well. They didn’t seem to tolerate any extremes very well.

The eldritch being considered that maybe Cameron would abandon all this rude talk about breaking rules if he felt a little warmer. Najika was a very tiny creature, and she probably felt even colder than the human. The human must be worried about his companion, too - he obviously cared deeply for the small, sparkly creature. That sort of concern could make even the nicest person think about doing rude things. Like breaking rules, for example. Once the human was warm and toasty, Mr. Nice Guy could explain that he didn’t even need food or water or sleep, so Cameron didn’t need to worry about sharing. They would all be just fine.

But self-soothing words didn’t do much to calm Mr. Nice Guy’s worries, and as his body began to heat up, sparks began to jump off of him. One caught Cameron on the arm, and he jumped back, wide-eyed and startled.

“It’s okay, Mr. Nice Guy, I didn’t mean to upset you. Calm down, okay?” 

Despite panic rising in him quickly, Mr. Nice Guy attempted to seem merry and completely in control of the situation. “Don’t worry, Cameron. I’m going to keep you and Najika warm. I do this all the time. It’s completely normal!” he exclaimed, glaring at the very not-normal sparks flying off of him.

The sparks became more erratic - in a merry and completely controlled way - and Cameron took several steps back as he tried at first to soothe the creature and then warn him of the dangers of mixing fire and unknown plant matter. Within a few moments, the walls were blooming with more than flowers as several glowing embers landed and caught fire. Flame began to blossom along the vines, summoning an intense, spreading heat.

“Are you warmer now?” Mr. Nice Guy chirruped, looking at the flames with awe.

“Run!” Cameron shrieked, then turned heel and fled, Najika right behind him.

“Wait! You’ll be cold again!” Mr. Nice Guy cried, striding after him casually.

Cameron turned, came back, and tugged on Mr. Nice Guy’s jacket as hard as he could. “Run! The fire is dangerous!”

“And it’ll burn the jacket!” Cameron added, which was a fantastic way to get him to start moving faster.

At both the insistence they were in danger and the concern that the human might rip Dr. Cromwell’s lovely jacket, Mr. Nice Guy capitulated and loped after him. He soon realized that he could run much, much faster than the human. He gently lifted Cameron and Najika into his claws and sped up. Unfortunately, they were still in the maze, and the twists and turns impeded their progress. 

Before long, they found themselves pinned into a dead end, the flames approaching and burning too hot for them to retrace their steps. Cameron reached out with his magic, trying to dispel the flower and vine walls around them, but his new-found abilities weren’t anywhere near strong enough. He kissed Najika’s skull mask and held her close. Mr. Nice Guy stood valiantly between Cameron and Najika and the approaching blaze. If only he could sneeze now! Maybe something useful could pop out! I got this, he thought, glaring at the fires that spread quickly for them, like they were hungry. Faces leapt out of the flames, glaring at him and mocking as he stood there, glaring. And in the withering gaze he gave it, the fires began to die, just a little bit, with his increasing anger.

But just as things seemed at their darkest, the flower and vine walls around them collapsed like a cardboard cutout falling backwards, and a number of robed figures jumped over the shortened hedges. They summoned water from the air and began to drown out the flames, pushing them back, back, and away. The air filled with thick smoke and soot, leaving the weary travelers soaked and filthy but thankfully alive.

“Stay here,” one of the robed mages commanded, which made him nod immediately and seat himself on the ground, waiting there still, so still he mimicked a statue.

The human fell to his knees behind him, Najika yipping in his arms, and murmured one of those very, very rude words. Mr. Nice Guy was sad to hear it, but thought that perhaps it might be forgivable this one time considering Cameron didn’t seem to say it often. He’d also said it very quietly, which was at least a little more considerate. But still. Rude words.

The flames were brought under control quickly, and several of the robed figures returned to them, forming a ring around Cameron, Najika, and Mr. Nice Guy. With the urgency gone, the three companions could see that their rescuers were elves dressed in the official garb of the Castimerian government.

“What in the world did you think you were doing?” a tall elf demanded of them, crossing their arms, glaring directly at Mr. Nice Guy and not Cameron, he noted.

“I’m so sorry!” Mr. Nice Guy said in a rush of words, standing up and staring at the elf, who quickly backed up. “I didn’t mean to burn down your flowers! I was just trying to keep my friends warm, and then your flowers got too warm and caught on fire. That was so rude of me!”

“The maze kept changing,” Cameron gasped, staggering to his side. He was still quite out of breath from the running, the smoke, and the sheer panic. “The fire was completely an accident. Mr. Nice Guy was just trying to help us, I promise.”

Guilt touched the elf’s features, but it was fleeting. Soon she was impassive and demanding again. “We were reworking the maze. We didn’t realize anyone was still inside. We hadn’t allowed a new guest for hours - we were certain it must be empty.”

“Turns out,” Cameron said awkwardly, “we’re really bad at mazes.”

“I should say so. Listen, let’s all… forget this unfortunate event. We generally wouldn’t redesign the maze with guests inside, so we can perhaps forgive the damage you may have caused when you invariably set it on fire.”

“Are we under arrest?” Cameron asked miserably.

“Are we going to be PUNISHED?” Mr. Nice Guy asked in a high, panicked voice. No punishment! Punishment was bad!

The elf sighed heavily. “No, you aren’t under arrest, and there’s no punishment to be had. But please leave. For all our sake, don’t come back. Stay away from the flower maze. Or any maze, for that matter. Or else we will arrest you.” she threatened.

Cameron nodded and stood. He tugged gently on Mr. Nice Guy’s jacket, nowhere near hard enough to rip it this time - just enough to get Mr. Nice Guy’s attention. “Come on, buddy. Let’s go find you some medical attention.”

“You’re still going to help me?” Mr. Nice Guy asked, clearly surprised, then glanced at the leaking black ooze that still continued to drip from his wounds.

“Of course. I promised I would. So let’s take you to a healer.” Cameron trudged off towards town. Najika cavorted around him, yipping excitedly. He paused and crouched down, allowing her to jump up onto his shoulders again. He turned back and motioned for Mr. Nice Guy to follow, and together the three walked back to town.