The Strange Misadventures of Mr. Nice Guy: Mr. Nice Guy Humbly Sends His Apologies: He Is Not A Cold-Blooded Killer OR A Fish

“What even is it? Our scholars have found no records of a species anything like the creature that Amvia caught, least of all anything related to its diet!” exclaimed a shrieky voice that subtly made Mr. Nice Guy claw his ears off.

“Maybe it’s a new species, I don’t know. Just feed it meat or something and see how it reacts.” snorted another.

“What if that’s poisonous?! What if we feed it something that it’s allergic to and it dies?! What if this is an endangered species?!” the shrieky voice cried.

“If it killed those children, then we’re sure gonna make it wish it was dead.” the other hissed.

Mr. Nice Guy swallowed his temptation to say ‘That’s not very nice’ and instead became very interested in the cracks in the concrete below him.

“Yes, yes, that’s a valid point, but there’s a very likely chance that you could be wrong and this could just be a bottom-feeder from the Black Sea! Admittedly, a very strange-looking bottom feeder, but it’s still a sea creature we should protect if so, not something we’re just here to carelessly throw away!”

“It wouldn’t be careless, kelp-brain. It would be on purpose.”

“That’s even worse!” the kelp-brain shrieked.

Mr. Nice Guy finally opened his eyes, then frowned, tapping at the bars on the cage. Holding him here wasn’t very nice, and anyways, he really needed to find Zephyr.

And plus, if they really wanted to keep him here, they wouldn’t use bars twice as thick as a human’s torso. I mean, come on. That’s just pathetic.

The merperson with the shrieky voice (the cause of which turned out to be a couple jagged scars crossing their throat) turned towards Mr. Nice Guy as he made a rumbling sound deep in his throat and glared at them. This is mean, he thought in annoyance. I haven’t done anything to them, and yet they’re trying to punish me for crimes I didn’t commit because of my looks.

“What are you?” they demanded, glaring deep into Mr. Nice Guy’s soul.

Mr. Nice Guy didn’t move, but let his tentacles reach out and easily bend the bars away from his face with enough power that it took for a human to flick a feather. The merperson visibly paled and hurriedly darted away as Mr. Nice Guy slipped through the bars and gave them a blank glare, his gaze sweeping over the magnificent shell decorations that cluttered the walls in a messy—but somehow elegant—display, depicting little merpeople that danced in the light of the corals that made their home.

“For your information,” he snapped, “I am Mr. Nice Guy. And I am trying to find my best friend, so if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be going now.”

The merperson glanced at their friend, then Mr. Nice Guy and swallowed. “Um. Has anybody…named Mr. Nice Guy…gone near that recently? And said those words? I think this thing might mimic voices.” they whispered harshly to their friend, who just stared blankly at Mr. Nice Guy, their hand itching to what appeared to be the hilt of a weapon on their belt.

“Nobody but that koi-fish merperson has gone anywhere near me in the past sixteen hours, forty-three minutes, and just now seven seconds. I am not a mimic, or a people-eater, and speaking of eating, I don’t think you’ll be using this cage anymore.” Mr. Nice Guy sniffed angrily, glaring at the two merpeople that stood watching as he turned around and opened his mouth. Like, really opened it. 

Grabbing the corner of the cage and easily hefting it into the air, Mr. Nice Guy shoved it into his mouth, where it disappeared into nothingness, defying all rules of reality as it did so and making the merpeople behind him squeak.

Mr. Nice Guy turned around again, glancing around and stretching, keeping his eyes solely on the fish-people before him. Then, as they made no move but their steady inching towards the wall, his gaze drifted to the intricate swirling architecture that made up the glowing teal and gold homes, then the light of the surface so far above him, what looked like the edges of a gorge blacking out the corners. Merpeople and fishy-type people swam all around him in the emptiness that made up the middle of the—Amvia had called it the ‘Borealis Enclave’, so he should probably stick with that—creating a line of traffic that traveled as far as the eye could see.

And in the middle of said traffic, swam a rather angry-looking koi fish mermaid, a sharp, glinting spear clenched tightly in their hand and a murderous look on their face that chilled him to his core.

Amvia.

“WHAT IS IT DOING OUTSIDE THE CAGE?! COWARDS!!!” she screamed at the two merpeople, who now looked even more terrified, then advanced on Mr. Nice Guy, who resisted the urge to step back and stood his ground, believing that Amvia was being the rude one here, especially by calling those two merpeople cowards. Who knows what coward even means.

“Where is the cage?” she demanded in an icy, murderous voice, approaching Mr. Nice Guy warily.

“It-it ate it.” choked out the screechy-voiced merperson’s friend.

Mr. Nice Guy glared at the merperson, then sighed and turned back to Amvia, right as she lunged at his face.

Mr. Nice Guy reared back in surprise, pulling backwards as she slashed at his stomach, then whirled around with lightning speed and thrust the spear straight at his stomach.

Which it hit.

And bounced off quite smugly, in his opinion, completely shattering the metal part of the spear.

Amvia stared, aghast, as Mr. Nice Guy plucked the metal end out of the air, sighed, then ate it, and on a second thought, ate the rest of the spear as well, shaking his head in disappointment.

“That’s dangerous. You could really hurt someone by doing that.” he chided, hiding his frustration.

“That’s…the whole point. Wait wait wait, you’re sentient?!” she hissed, then glared at the merpeople, who shrank back in terror.

“I…haven’t learned that word yet, but I can speak, yes. My name is Mr. Nice Guy, and I really need to be going. See, my best friend Zephyr is missing, and I have no idea where xey are.” he exclaimed, then shook his head and glanced around, tapping his claws nervously on his body. “So, I’d best be going now.”

“No no no, stay here for a moment…Mr. Nice Guy. So you haven’t seen any children swimming around recently, right?”

“What are children?” the eldritch creature said blankly.

“Tiny versions of us merpeople. Seen any around?”

Mr. Nice Guy frowned, then tapped the bottom of his ring, thinking.

“Uhm…I saw like a really, really big dark shape in that dark, suspicious oblivion over there. And-oh! Oh! I heard someone scream earlier, but when I was swimming over somebody trapped me in a net and threatened my life!” he snorted, glaring at Amvia.

“Sorry,” she muttered, not sounding very sorry at all.

“Okay.” Amvia said soon after, glancing at Mr. Nice Guy, then at the merpeople behind her, then sighed. “Look, I’ll make you a deal. You help me find the kids, I’ll help you find…Zephyr.”

“Deal!” he exclaimed excitedly, holding out a hand that startled Amvia, then made her frown suspiciously as she cautiously shook his hand.

“Deal.” muttered Amvia.

“Okay, let’s go!” Mr. Nice Guy shrieked, spinning around and darting for the exit, then stopped when Amvia called out to him, her tail thrashing back and forth angrily.

“First, we have to go get our mission authorized.”

“Why?” Mr. Nice Guy asked innocently, glancing at her.

“So they know that we’ve left, and to get permission.” Amvia said tiredly.

“Yeah, well, kelp-brain and their friend know we’re leaving. Seeya!” he exclaimed at the two unnamed merpeople, then grabbed Amvia and darted away, disappearing into the unknown with quite a few curse words that made him sorely reconsider said deal he’d just made.

 

“I hate you,” Amvia hissed at him for the sixty fourth time, (he’d been counting) to which Mr. Nice Guy replied “We’re the bestest of friends, I know!” and kept swimming, down towards the dark abyss that awaited him.

“We’re not supposed to be going to the Black Sea, idiot, we’re supposed to be getting authorization for this mission in the first place!” Amvia hissed at him, punching his arms with the same effect as if she’d done nothing. He’d learned his lesson with letting her swim. She was too slow, and anyways, she kept screaming at him and telling him to go slower. “Plus, we’re supposed to be looking in the City of Lost Songs, not-not the Black Sea!” she shrieked, leaning away from the water that they descended into, just mere miles above the inky blackness.

“I don’t know what that is.” Mr. Nice Guy said, shrugging.

“THAT!” she yelled, pointing at a giant hooked cliff a couple miles off to their right, where even he could see the rapidly rushing waters and the shipwrecks that lie crushed at the bottom.

“That looks scary. Can we not go there?” Mr. Nice Guy whined at the koi-mermaid, who groaned loudly. 

“THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT. STUPID TEENAGERS GO IN DANGEROUS PLACES FOR THE GLORY, NOT BECAUSE THEY’RE SMART.” she hissed.

“But we’re smart. Why are we going in there?”

“TO FIND THE STUPID TEENAGERS.”

“Oh, right. I forgot.” he shrugged nervously, then swam rapidly towards the cliffside, which made Amvia shriek even more cuss words.

 

“Okay, okay, kids, kids, kids…” he murmured, scanning the ragged cliff face as Amvia searched a little bit aways from him, keeping safely below the currents that tossed unsuspecting travelers into the cliff and crushed them. Not very nice.

There! A speck of a rippling red and blue fin, peeking out from behind a rock, down near the very bottom of the cliff.

“Stay-still!” gasped a very, very small, quiet voice he had to strain to hear as he swam down to the bottom, where the small fin had disappeared.

Frowning, Mr. Nice Guy glanced around at the rippling, eroded sandstone ground, then at a giant rock outcropping, under it, then to the cliff face, where a small, dark little cave sat, with four little merpeople perched inside, sitting impossibly still and staring at him in wide-eyed terror.

“What-is-that?!” one of them gasped, his lips barely moving.

“SHUT. UP!” another whispered.

Mr. Nice Guy stared at them for a moment, then began to think. How do I get them over to Amvia without them freaking out?

“Guys, I think it’s blind. And deaf, because you guys are really loud. Just-just don’t move, okay?” one of them piped up worriedly. “Otherwise it can sense you.”

“Why’d you say sense like that?” sniggered one of the merpeople.

“DON’T-MAKE-US-LAUGH!” one gasped.

“What’s so strange about somebody saying sense?” Mr. Nice Guy wondered aloud, tapping his ring, before he shook his head, glancing at them all. “Also, I’m not blind. Or deaf. And you guys are making a ruckus. Anyways-”

Every single one of the teenagers began to scream, swimming backwards, towards the wall, pressing themselves against it and hyperventilating. At least, it looked like they were, because their gills were all pulsing rapidly.

“Oh, I’m not going to hurt you! Amvia sent me! You guys were missing, so she needed my help!”

“That’s just what a monster sent to eat us would say.” snapped one of the teenagers.

“Well, that’s rude.” Mr. Nice Guy muttered, crossing his arms as he peeked outside the cave. “AMVIA!!!” he yelled, nearly deafening the teenagers and startling the little orange and white speck in the distance. It immediately beelined straight for them, which made Mr. Nice Guy sigh in relief.

“Look, she’s coming over right now!” he exclaimed, pointing at the speck, then at the children, who shrank in the corner, trembling.

Soon enough, Amvia arrived, looking exhausted as she looked at them all and scowled.

“You four,” she said, clenching her fists, “Are in a lot of trouble.”

“Yes, ma’am.” they said meekly.

“Now, we got to get out of here before your stupendously brilliant idea to scream into the ocean alerts the native predators that we’re here.” Amvia announced, waving the children closer as Mr. Nice Guy frowned into the distance.

“Would a giant…hmm, I think you’d call that a leviathan-count as a predator?” Mr. Nice Guy wondered. “What is a predator?”

Amvia said some very choice words that made his ears seal for a moment, then waved the children out of the cave. “Mr. Nice Guy, you take the children. I’ll fend it off.”

“It’s bigger than the Borealis Enclave.” Mr. Nice Guy giggled. “There is no way you can take that.”

Then he glanced back at Amvia.

“Oh, wait, you’re serious.” he said meekly, cowering under her murderous gaze.

“I got this.” she muttered, then reached for her spear. Upon realizing that she didn’t have one, she scowled even more.

“Welp, seeya.” she shrugged, but before she could leave at the leviathan headed straight for their butts, Mr. Nice Guy dragged her back into the cave and shrugged.

“Don’t worry! I can handle this.” Mr. Nice Guy exclaimed, glancing at the leviathan. “I think it just needs a hug.”

And before anyone could stop him, Mr. Nice Guy darted headfirst at the leviathan.

 

Well, suffice to say, that leviathan most definitely did not want a hug, or a friend, or a compliment, or anything more than a snack. You could tell by the pure amount of gore streaked across its face (must’ve been some prey to dry like that underwater-) and the plumes of blood left after Mr. Nice Guy did attempt to give it a hug.

Mr. Nice Guy softly floated towards the inky darkness of the Black Sea, trembling and clutching his head.

“I ate it.” he whispered. “I’m a bad, bad guy.”

He couldn’t focus on anything else. He’d eaten that leviathan—stuck it in a place where even he didn’t know how to escape—and it was ALL. HIS. FAULT. He couldn’t even feel the shocking amount of pain that stung down his wounds, bleeding an inky cyan-black substance into the water and sinking to the bottom of the sea. He was going to pay for his crimes. After all, he deserved it. Nobody could just eat a poor, innocent little leviathan and live guilt-free, after all. Soon, he’d be prosecuted for his many felonies, and-

“What does ‘prosecuted’ mean? And ‘felonies’?” Mr. Nice Guy wondered, glancing down below him at a sinister shape that rose up beneath him, whispering words that echoed in his head. “Please speak clear Anglerfish. I can’t understand what you mean. I think you need a hug,” he added, holding his long, long arms out wide as he swam down towards it.

“NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE-” it cried, but too late.

Every. 

Single.

Being.

Got what it deserved at the hands of Mr. Nice Guy.

And by that, he meant a bunch of hugs, compliments, conversations, and quite a few invitations to tea parties he promised to set up when he had the chance. 

He also hugged the evil sea creature a few times, which made it say a couple words that sounded like it was cursing, but he couldn’t really tell.

But eventually, this brand-new Scourge of the Sea would find what he deserved.

And it would come in the extreme form of a horrible allergy attack.