Maintaining: Light

Maintaining
By Pixelgoddess

Chapter 8 - Light

Vegeta sat by a stream, eyes staring ahead but seeing nothing. He had finally released the tears he had held in for months, his sobs so deep and gasping he was sure he had bruised his ribs. Now, finally, he was still. His mental frenzy had finally halted. Now, he just felt - numb.

The last time he'd felt so hollow was when Frieza controlled him. All hope he had for a normal life ended the day he was given to the lizard. Kakarott had freed him, but the monster still haunted him, whispering to him. That voice had been quiet for so long, but lately it was like Frieza was there every time he failed at something.

He made a tiny ball of ki and held it in his hand like an injured bird, studying it, watching it glow and burn. He had felt Kakarott IT nearby - but still far enough away to give him time to sense him and leave if he wanted to. It just wasn't worth using the energy to move - the younger Saiyan would keep coming around.

He sighed, resigning himself to the other's presence. He heard Kakarott approach, and opened his fingers to release the ki ball to leisurely fly towards him.

************************

Goku walked towards the prince, studying him. He was sitting Indian-style, staring off into the distance. Goku was concerned - the wild emotional swings that he had felt pouring from Vegeta like waves had solidified into a constant current of ache.

Goku hadn't come here immediately after his revelation. After he left the house, he had gone to Piccolo's waterfall to meditate for awhile. How long had he been denying his feelings toward Vegeta? Of course, it took Olibu's attentions to make him realize that he actually preferred men...

But Vegeta - he was fascinating, frustrating, infuriating, amazing. Goku was constantly stunned by his fighting skills and intelligence. Unfortunately the prince's pride and anger often got in the way of his victory... Since their first battle he had wanted to know more about this enigma named Vegeta - but he never let anyone get really close to him.

He wished he could remember more of their fusion...he felt he had lost something special when they split, but he couldn't recall what was it like being that close to the prince. He could recall glimpses of the battle as Vejito, but it was separate and distant, like he was on the outside looking in. It seemed like he had been submerged, supplying strength, but Vegeta was the one in control. From what little he knew, it looked like the fighting skills were Vegeta's. These didn't seem like his own memories, but something that had been told to him. He had always figured it was due to an injury during the fight, and hadn't worried about it too much. It just disappointed him that the only thing he had kept from the fusion was this constantly growing, intense awareness of Vegeta's emotions.

Goku wanted to ask Vegeta about the fusion - what he remembered, how it felt - but every time he brought the subject up the prince just scowled at him and left.

At some level, he was jealous of Goten...his youngest seemed to have some kind of bond with Vegeta, developed during the years he was in Otherworld. Even Chichi was closer...the prince had actually let her touch him. He wondered what that fire would feel like under his fingers...

As Goku got closer, he noticed the trails down his cheeks. Vegeta's tail was no longer sleek and shining, but dull and listless, lying in his lap.

He wanted to wrap his arms around him and protect him from the world, but knew that would be the worst possible thing he could do with Vegeta. Goku experienced a momentary fear that Vegeta had somehow read his mind when the ki ball headed toward him, but he quickly realized there was no intent behind it. He casually captured it, cupping it in his hand, before enjoying the sensation of absorbing this tiny essence of his prince. He sat down several feet from Vegeta, knees drawn up before him.

The pair sat in silence, staring at the water.

Vegeta was torn - he wanted to leave, he wanted to stay, he wanted... Everyone kept trying to talk to him, draw him out. They wanted to use him, take advantage of him - his dreams kept reminding him of that. He couldn't trust - but GodS he wanted to... Couldn't he...? But - this was Kakarott...who had deceived him... But the fusion - he realized then that Kakarott had only been trying to shield him, protect his pride... No one since Radditz had tried...

"Why are you here, Kakarott?" Vegeta eventually asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

"I wanted to see if you were okay."

"You've seen me. Now you can leave."

"Can't," Goku chuckled, tail flicking. "Chichi's orders. She was worried about you."

Vegeta snorted in amusement. The woman could be intimidating when she wanted to. Hell, she had even tried to order him around once - which was useless, but entertaining.

Goku was relieved - Vegeta hadn't left. He had been afraid that the prince would fly off when he arrived. But his problem now was making him stay.

He knew Vegeta didn't like showing the emotions he was currently feeling - he thought they were a weakness. If the prince found out he had become so empathic he would be furious.

Now as he sat this close he became aware he wasn't just sensing them - he was actually feeling them himself. The loneliness he was sharing was nearly over-whelming - Vegeta really felt like he had no one to turn to. He struggled to keep Vegeta's emotions separate from his own.

"I hadn't seen her use that technique before," Goku said with a grin. "It looked like one of yours."

Vegeta tail, draped sluggishly over his feet, made a tiny twitch, but he didn't respond.

"You spent a lot of time with my family while I was dead. I don't think I've ever told you how much I appreciated it."

"I have a duty to my subjects," Vegeta muttered.

Goku suppressed a smile, mentally willing his tail not to make the twitch it wanted to. "Oh. Well, then, I'd appreciate it if you didn't let Goten know that you were only doing your job."

Vegeta looked at Goku, confused.

"You're his hero, Vegeta," he answered, looking back at the prince, smiling.

"Don't be ridiculous, Kakarott."

"No, really, it's true. You've always been there for him. He talks about you all the time."

Vegeta turned away from Goku. He was bewildered by the possibility that anyone could like him, especially a child. He didn't like children - they were small, and loud, and disobedient, and impulsive - brats. He called them that all the time. He was stern with them. He disciplined them. He trained them hard. He treated them like adults. Why would any of them like him?

Goku stared at the back of his prince's head. Vegeta's emotions were swinging again, although the arc was shifting to confusion and doubt. Why was the idea of someone admiring him so amazing? He hadn't always been like this - before the Cell games he was so confident and self-assured. Goku clenched his fist - he had never been so angry at Bulma in his life. What had happened? What had changed?

"Goten really likes you. Every time he comes home from training with you and Trunks it is always Vegeta-this and Vegeta-that. I thought you knew." ::Small-talk. Just keep him here. Don't ask him...::

"Hn. The brat likes to spar."

"Yeah," Goku answered, sorting through the capsules he now held. "It's amazing how different he is from Gohan. He's always preferred studying to training." He chose one and opened it.

Vegeta watched from the corner of his eye. "Your youngest is more Saiyan, Kakarott. Hell, he is more Saiyan than you are."

"Well, he owes that to you." Goku was overjoyed - Vegeta was actually talking to him. It was so rare under any circumstances, but amazing under these.

"Your onna changed while you were gone - she didn't try to suppress the brat's instincts."

"Hmmm...." Goku answered, distracted. "What in the hell did she put in here?" he muttered.

"What are you doing, Kakarott?" Vegeta demanded, annoyed. He wanted to leave, he wanted to stop talking - but something prevented him.

"Ha!" he answered. "I figured she had a stash somewhere." He pulled out a case of beer, grinning. "Here Vegeta," he said, tossing a can over.

"Chichi sent you here with beer...?" Vegeta said doubtfully, looking at the can as if it would bite him.

"Nah," Goku answered, still digging through the capsule. "Rezu did - which means....I KNEW IT!" he said with a smile. "BEEF JERKY!"

"What?" Vegeta's glance moved from the beer to the bag he now held. "What in the hell is this Kakarott? Have you gone insane?"

Goku grinned - Vegeta had momentarily forgotten to be so depressed. He was a little annoyed, but not pissed - he could handle that. He could handle anything, as long as the prince stayed here with him.

"Just try it, Vegeta," he said, ripping the bag open. "It's a bizarre combination, but it works." He now sat looking directly at the prince.

"YOU call this a bizarre combination? Is it even edible?" Vegeta asked, scowling, warily smelling the bag's contents. Kakarott would eat almost anything, after all.

"If it isn't edible, it's at least chewable," Goku answered, jaws working on a particularly tough piece.

Vegeta stared at the man in wonder. How could he be like this? Just chattering on about stupid things? Kakarott hadn't asked about Bulma yet - and he wasn't sure if he felt relieved or not.

"Try it," Goku insisted, taking a drink of his beer.

Vegeta sighed and put a small piece in his mouth. After a few bites, he smirked, and then took a swallow of beer. "You are right, it is bizarre. But good."

"Told you."

The pair sat in silence, eating and drinking. Goku finally lay back on the grass and belched.

"Disgusting."

"Sorry." Goku smiled up at the night sky, his tail curling above him.

Vegeta watched the tail, amazed. How could Kakarott be so trusting? Why doesn't he protect his tail more? Anyone could capture it and control him. Like Frieza did...Damn it! That lizard again! No, no, no!

Goku closed his eyes in sympathy - what was Vegeta thinking? It hurt. But he was relaxing before. He had to distract him again...

"I was training with Goten the other day...showing him a move...and he told me I was wrong," Goku said, smiling.

Vegeta glanced at him before quickly looking away. Those painful memories of Frieza had distracted him - he was hardly listening to what Kakarott was saying.

"Turns out you had already taught him - modified for his size. I hadn't taken that into account."

"Baka," the prince said with a smirk.

Goku chuckled. "Yeah. I guess I am a really crappy teacher. Piccolo taught Gohan, you taught Goten."

"Your onna worked with the brat too," Vegeta muttered.

"Yeah - and I was amazed when I found out. I thought she didn't want the boys to fight."

"She always gave you a hard time about Gohan..." He could feel himself calming, his breathing steadying. Why was this happening? Kakarott always drove him mad. Why did he feel better with him here?

"Yeah, but..." Goku sighed.

"Kakarott?" Vegeta heard the sadness in the sigh, but didn't understand why. Hell, he didn't even understand why he cared.

"It wasn't really her fault."

"Not her fault? She screamed at you for endangering her precious little boy." Vegeta couldn't understand how Kakarott could be so forgiving or understanding.

"I didn't know - Gohan had told her he didn't want to fight all the time. He didn't tell me because he didn't want me to be angry at him. He was afraid I wouldn't love him anymore. Chichi had tried to explain to him, but..."

"What?!" Vegeta was amazed. The boy never did trust him, but everyone trusted Kakarott. How could his son be afraid to tell him something?

"I hadn't realized it then, but I never seemed to spend much time with him otherwise. He knew how important fighting and training was to me. And I kept pushing...he'd never say no...so Chichi took the heat for him," Goku answered, voice soft with regret.

"Kakarott, that doesn't make sense. The boy is Saiyan. How could he not want to fight?" The brat had all that power and never wanted to use it - it was disgusting.

"Half-Saiyan. He really is much more human. He wanted to study and play and be a normal kid - but I didn't let him." Goku wanted to kick himself. This was a horrible topic to bring up. If he got depressed, how was he going to stop Vegeta from feeling that way? And Vegeta was slipping again...he had always resented Gohan's strength... He had to change the direction this was going...

"Goten, on the other hand, is very Saiyan. Chichi realized he was different - she knew he liked to fight - so she let him train. And you taught him how to go Super. It means a lot to him - and me."

"I didn't teach him how to go Super - the brats did it together to surprise me," Vegeta muttered. ::Why am I sitting here listening to this drivel? Hell - where else is there to go?:: He finished off another beer, tossing the can up and incinerating it with his ki.

"Really? Wow. That's amazing! I didn't know they figured it out on their own."

"The little bastards pulled it off and teamed up on me one day..." Vegeta smirked at the memory. He had been secretly impressed by their power, pleased at their Saiyan drive.

"I wish I had been there to see it. I know your training helped when they fought as Gotenks..." Goku smiled as he destroyed his own can in a similar fashion.

"It gave me something to do outside of the Gravity Room, Kakarott. Besides, when the brats sparred with each other they'd stay out of my hair." Vegeta still couldn't believe that he was being thanked for something. There had to be an ulterior motive - there always was - wasn't there?

Goku sat up, stretching and yawning. Between the two of them they had polished off the case of beer and he was feeling pleasantly buzzed.

"Shouldn't you be going home, Kakarott?"

"I was going to camp out here, if that's okay with you. I've got supplies," he said, opening the other capsules. He nearly held his breath, waiting for the prince's response.

Vegeta looked at the items, shaking his head in disbelief. "Honestly, Kakarott. Do you really think we need all of that?"

Goku laughed. "No...but-" ::He said we!::

"- But Chichi packed," Vegeta finished. Did he want Kakarott to stay? He hadn't asked any awkward questions - he wasn't being pushy - he kept his distance. He almost enjoyed his presence. Hell, why not?

"Give me a blanket," he finally demanded.

"Sure," Goku answered, tossing him one. He kept one out for himself and turned to put the supplies away, careful to not let Vegeta see his huge smile. His tail swung happily behind him. He wanted to dance; he wanted to sing! Vegeta was letting him stay! He had listened - and spoken. He hadn't gotten mad at him. Granted, he hadn't said anything about what was bothering him...

Goku lay on the ground, a comfortable distance from the prince, and wrapped the blanket around him. "Goodnight, Vegeta."

"Hn," Vegeta muttered, momentarily annoyed at himself for letting the other man stay. Suddenly Kakarott laughed.

"What the hell?"

"Sorry Vegeta - I was just picturing Krillin's expression when Chichi sent him flying."

Vegeta glanced over. "You've become very different since you died, Kakarott."

"You have no idea," Goku whispered.

**************************************

Vegeta woke up just as the sun was rising. He glanced over to see Kakarott facing him, still asleep. He still wasn't sure why he had allowed the man to stay. He had always been frustrated by the younger Saiyan's strange behavior.

He had never understood why Kakarott treated him more as a friend than a rival. Hell, Kakarott seemed to collect friends - they were probably drawn to his power, because the stronger he got, the more friends he had.

And he had - no one. He was used by everyone, including the GodS - tolerated when he wasn't needed...

::I will not start this - not now, not this morning, not today. Please - just one day of peace.::

This was the first sleep he had in ages that hadn't been haunted by nightmares of his past, and he was relieved.

He carefully rose and folded the blanket, watching Kakarott's peaceful face the entire time. His tail swayed carelessly behind him as he set the blanket down near the sleeping Saiyan.

He bent closer, examining the smooth planes of his face. He watched Kakarott's tail gliding over his arms and chest. How could this gentle man turn into a raging Saiyan warrior? Vegeta felt a sudden urge to brush away an errant bang. His hand slowly reached out, only to be snatched away as Kakarott's tail brushed against his fingers.

::Stupid, stupid! This is not Radditz! This is a weakness that can be used against me!::

He stumbled back, alarmed, as Kakarott murmured something and shifted in his sleep.

::Calm.calm.calm.:: he mentally chanted.

He had to leave. He wanted to keep this peace he woke up with. But Kakarotto - he was causing confusing emotions to churn to the surface - and he couldn't face that right now.

Vegeta slowly rose from the ground, moving away, watching Kakarott until he was no longer visible.

TBC