Maintaining: Memory

Chapter 37 - Memory

Vegeta sat, trying to meditate, struggling to keep some semblance of control. Kakarott would return soon and he didn't want his companion to be as traumatized as he had been by what he had learned today. He had to protect Kakarott, no matter what the effort cost him.

"Hey, I'm back!"

He looked up as his companion reappeared, a totally artificial smile plastered on his face. "What happened, Kakorr?" ::I know you are upset.::

He watched the smile fade and waited as Kakarott sunk down tiredly, lying on the bed beside him.

"I almost killed Krillen. I would have if Piccolo hadn't stopped me."

Shit. Kakarott had thought he was joking, but he was serious when he warned him about that urge. It had taken him years to get it under control - Kakarott didn't know how to deal with it because he didn't know where it came from.

"What did he do?" he asked quietly. His companion's tail was swishing beside him, agitation obvious in its movements. Vegeta curled his hand around it, gently holding it, stroking the dark fur. He began to slide his fingers through, soothing, purring to calm him down.

He didn't comment as Kakarott told him what had happened, only speaking to encourage him to go on. Kakarott was confused and distraught over how he had behaved. He wasn't used to feeling anger like that - a helpless fury that Vegeta had lived with nearly his entire life. He wanted to swear in frustration - even when he wasn't there he was hurting his companion. He should have gone with him. Kakarott had needed him and he wasn't there for him.

Of course, he thought bitterly, his own discovery hadn't made it any easier - and probably made things worse. As soon as he realized what he was doing to Kakarott he shielded him as much as possible, blocking as much of their bond as he could. From the sounds of it though, he hadn't been in time - his influence had driven Kakarott to unaccustomed violence. His companion hadn't learned control - he was so happy with their bond he was walking around wide open. He didn't know how to protect himself or Vegeta.

Poor Kakorr... he was getting the shitty side of their bond and either didn't realize it or didn't care. Vegeta was benefiting by experiencing happiness, caring... hell, he was turning into a sentimental sap. His companion gave him everything he had ever wanted - affection, friendship, trust, love - without reserve. And Vegeta was giving him doubt, anger, hatred, fear and confusion. Kakarott was meant to be happy, but he was so worried about him it had become nearly impossible. He didn't know how to make things better for his companion.

"What's wrong with me, Vegeta? I've never done anything like that before."

"I'm sorry, Kakorr. I think it is my fault," Vegeta said, lying down beside him, pulling him close, arm around a slim waist. He had hoped for his companion's sake that he could eventually reconcile with the monk - but today's events had surely destroyed that chance.

"You weren't even there. How can it be your fault?"

He sighed. "I think it's because of the fusion, Kakorr. Maybe Saiyans aren't meant to bond that way. You keep picking up some of my very worst qualities - and you aren't used to dealing with them. I don't think it is good for you," he said sadly, fingers brushing over Kakarott's cheek.

"But I like being bonded to you," Kakarott protested, looking at him with unhappy dark eyes.

"Maybe...maybe a different type wouldn't do this to you. You've never experienced anything like it before. But I don't know how to create anything but a pack bond - and I don't think it would be strong enough to help," he said regretfully. Vegeta wished yet again he knew more about making and breaking bonds.

"You...you...don't want...you...regret...?"

Vegeta heard the hurt in his companion's voice and hated himself for causing it.

"No Kakorr, I do not regret being bonded to you. I'm just sorry at how it is affecting you. I never knew our bond would hurt you like this." If he had known, would he have resisted it? The person he used to be probably wouldn't have cared about the pain he caused Kakarott. Vegeta doubted he would have survived without it. He would have been trapped in hell for a meaningless forever, tortured by the lizard, wishing for a death that would never come.

"I'm not sorry." Kakorr was watching him with brown eyes, his warrior's determination rising, making him serious. "If you can adjust Vegeta, so can I. I can learn."

"Kakorr, I..."

"I'm not sorry we are bonded - I don't care what kind. I told you the first time we made love I'll be happy with whatever you can give. These... changes... they just feel like you giving me parts of you. I don't want to give them up."

"All right Kakorr, we will see if something can be done," Vegeta said tiredly. He continued to hold his companion, stroking his hair, lost in thought. Kakarott's voice brought him back.

"Vegeta - what's wrong? What happened while I was gone?" Kakarott's arms were around him, rubbing his back, careful to keep his hands away from the damned scar.

Vegeta had considered not telling Kakarott what he had discovered today. He didn't want him to be unhappy, and he knew he would be when he learned how bad things really were.

"Please Vegeta, you're blocking so much right now. Why? Is it because of me? Because of today?"

"No Kakorr - it's just.... no." He stared at his companion. Kakarott was studying him with intense brown eyes, as if he could tear the secret free with his gaze.

"Then why? Tell me. Please. It...hurts...when you block me like this. I feel... empty... without you."

::GodS - were they really that close?:: "I'm..." ::I'm afraid.:: "...Kakorr." He was addicted to Kakarott, so his warmth, to his unconditional love, to the security he provided. But just by staying he was exposing Kakorr to so many dangers...

"Let me..." He closed his eyes at Kakarott's soft voice, warm breath on his face, fingers brushing his cheek.

Vegeta opened his eyes to study his companion's trusting expression. He made a resigned sigh, and then took a deep breath, before slowly, carefully lowering the barriers he had erected to protect Kakarott. Brown eyes widened as his hopeless terror broke free.

"Vegeta? What happened?" He could feel Kakarott's confusion - he didn't get Vegeta's memories, just his sense of defeat.

"There was a recording - in the Gravity Room. I...I saw what happened - when..."

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Once the woman left, he had returned to the Gravity Room and just stared at the controls. There might be a recording of what had happened to him - he might actually get an answer to his blackouts. He stood there for several minutes, afraid of what he would see. He had finally cursed at himself for being a coward and started the playback.

He remembered the beginning - he was training, going through some basic warm-ups, trying to build up his strength and stamina. He could tell when the voice started hammering at him - he faltered at some attacks before finally stopping completely.

He wished there were sound - it looked like he was answering the voice out loud. He could see his lips moving. He hadn't realized he had started doing that. But the voice had gotten so loud, that seemed to be the only way he could be heard. His eyes were wild and he was turning around as if he was trying to see where the voice was.

At one point he was directly facing a camera and he could almost read what he said...

"NO FUCKING WAY! I will destroy that lizard next time. I will never belong to that freak."

He remembered that...and he remembered what the voice said in response...

~~Are you sure?~~

Almost immediately, something happened to him in the recording.

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His face twisted in pain and he crumpled to his knees, hand stretched back over his shoulder, desperately trying to claw at what he now knew was a scar. Vegeta shouted and fought with some invisible enemy - and then stopped.

The pain seemed to vanish and he rose gracefully to stand, glancing around. His tail swept lazily behind him, brushing across the floor.

The cameras continued to track him as he strolled around the room, arms loosely crossed, a twisted smile on his face. His mouth moved, speaking, as he examined everything, opening storage areas and scanning the controls.

He left the main room for some adjoining rooms - a small bedroom, bathroom, and maintenance room. He wasn't gone long - the cameras in the main room never turned themselves off. He returned minutes later, several steel rods in his arms.
====

He paused the playback as he felt Kakarott trying to reach him through their bond. Kakarott could feel him - ::Vegeta, are you okay?:: No he wasn't - but he couldn't face him right now. He struggled to send some semblance of calm, hoping his companion could understand enough to stay away. ::I'm okay Kakarott. I'm just doing some training. Stay there for awhile.::

====
He dropped all the metal bars but one, easily heating it with his ki, twisting it into a circle. He laughed and spoke again, looking up and studying the curved ceiling. He flew up and attached the loop to the surface, welding it in place with his ki. He repeated the action several times.

He landed, picking up the last rod and hefted it. He directly faced a camera again, speaking and then making that twisted smile again. Then he took the metal bar and charged it with ki before swinging it at his own leg, shattering the bone. He fell to the floor, unable to stand, but there was no sign of pain on his face.

He sat and crossed his arms, ignoring the twisted limb, an angry expression on his face. He seemed to be waiting for something, because he didn't move for some time. Then he said a word, picked up the bar again, and hit himself on the back of the head, crumpling to the floor, unconscious.

===========

Vegeta stopped the recording with a moan. The movements, the body language, the way the tail hung just above the ground as if it were too heavy to do more...he knew them. He knew them all. That expression wasn't his. It had haunted his dreams for most of his life. That contemptuous smile - it was Frieza.

He was Frieza.

He took a sobbing breath, before he realized Kakarott would know. No! No! He couldn't let Kakarott... Vegeta fought to block it, struggled to protect his companion from the horror he felt. He wasn't ready for Kakarott to see this - to learn how lost he really was.

He sunk to the ground, feeling himself shaking in shock. GodS! What had happened to him? How could this be? Had Frieza broken him and he didn't even know it? Was he walking, talking - acting like the lizard now?

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"You are NOT Frieza!" Kakarott was fierce, determined, taking his hand as it curled into his companion's t-shirt.

"He...he made me...I did it to myself." He was barely in control, quaking with the urge to hide, demand comfort, seek protection - anything to mask this terror that made his chest ache.

"Vegeta, how can that be? How could he manipulate you like that? Why?"

"I- I don't know. I can't remember."

He was shaking - trembling - against Kakorr's firm chest, trying fruitlessly to steady his breathing. His eyes burned with frustrated tears. "He did something to me - I'm never going to escape."

"That's not true Vegeta."

He breathed in Kakorr's scent, letting the fragrance of earth and leaf sink into his skin, using it to quiet the madness that was threatening to overtake him. He wanted to forget - to be petted and kissed and reassured that everything was going to be all right. He desperately wanted to believe Kakorr - but knew he could never be safe.

"What if he takes over - makes me do something to you? I'm too weak..." He was drawn even more tightly against his companion, protective arms circling him, surrounding him with Kakorr's heat. "I don't want you to get hurt," Vegeta said as he nuzzled his neck, tasting his drug. He wanted the comfort his companion could provide - would provide if he asked.

"You're not weak - you've been fighting him for years. And I know you would never deliberately hurt me, Vegeta." Kakorr held his head, bringing it up so their lips could brush against each other. "I know you care."

Kakorr's tongue slid across his lips and Vegeta opened his mouth, giving him entrance. GodS! Kakorr was purring for him again, twining their tails together. So much like Radditz... how did Kakorr know this was what he needed now? He needed contact, reassurance - he needed to touch and worship the beautiful body that was holding him with so much affection.

"Kakorr, I-" he said hesitantly, when they separated for air. There was no chance for him - he knew that now. But since Kakorr knew - maybe he would understand. He might be able to protect himself from Vegeta.

"Let it go Vegeta. I trust you," Kakorr said.

He knew hot tears were running down his face, but he ignored them. His. Kakorr was supposed to be his. And he couldn't keep him. Not if he wanted him to be safe. He needed Kakorr so much and now this...

Vegeta made a tiny cry and pressed his lips to Kakorr's, tasting his own tears. Kakorr opened for him, let him sate his hunger. He could feel Kakorr in his head, a warm comforting presence, somehow understanding his desperation. Vegeta made a hungry growl and slid his tongue over his companion's skin, tracing his jaw with his lips. Kakorr moaned and tilted his head, exposing his throat in a sign of trust Vegeta knew he didn't deserve.

He felt that same urgency, the same anxiety he had felt when he realized Frieza knew about Radditz. Fear pulsed through him as he devoured Kakorr, frantic and needy. This madness he was suffering from was going to cost him his companion. He needed to be saved - he couldn't do it himself. He knew he couldn't survive anymore without Kakorr.

Goku closed his eyes in sympathetic pain as the waves of panic and desire crashed through his prince. Vegeta was nearly ripping - shredding - his clothing off of him in his desperate attempts touch his skin. He undressed his prince only slightly more gently, fighting against the frenzy of Vegeta's emotions. Vegeta was no longer capable of speech - his fear was making them incoherent. His prince was drowning in sorrow and guilt for something he hadn't even done - something that wasn't his fault.

Goku buried his fingers in the sheets, surrendering complete control to Vegeta and his desperate attentions. He had tried without success to caress his prince - his hands were captured and moved aside. He opened his bond so that Vegeta would know he wanted this. His prince obviously needed to be in control right now, and he would let Vegeta sate himself - Goku would give him whatever he wanted.

Goku moaned and writhed as a hot mouth licked and kissed and nipped a torturous path down his body. Vegeta was purring and growling, tail twitching high behind him as he slid smooth hands down his sides and over his hips. Vegeta managed to make him whimper when he began assaulting his nipples, biting and sucking at the hardening nubs, tugging them with his teeth and pinching them with his fingers.

"Vegeta...please...please..." he begged, wishing that his prince would take him, but knowing it wouldn't happen. He had seen the image quickly flash through Vegeta's mind, only to be immediately blocked. He groaned and trembled with relief when Vegeta's mouth slid over the head of his erection.

His cock was surrounded by moisture and heat, Vegeta's fingers touching and squeezing his sac. He coiled his tail around his prince's tail, fur fluffing and bristling, wrapping both of them around Vegeta's hardened cock, making him groan in response around Goku's arousal.

Their tails stroked the prince while Vegeta sucked and licked his erection. Goku whimpered and whined, trying in vain to thrust into his mouth. "Oh GodS," he threw his head back and mewled, fur rippling around Vegeta. Vegeta purred his name, the vibration on his cock pushing him over the edge. His tail tightened around the prince's weeping arousal in reaction, and Vegeta came, shuddering and howling before finally collapsing, sobbing, against him.

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Vegeta slipped carefully out of Kakorr's arms, not wanting to wake him. He was exhausted himself, and wanted to sleep but the images from the recording haunted him. He had frozen the image and a face he hardly recognized as his stared back at him, a gleefully malevolent smile distorting his features.

He stared out the window at the long shadows of late afternoon. The scar... the scar came from Frieza. Why couldn't he remember it? How could it do this to him? What was wrong with him?

He desperately stretched his hand back over his shoulder, trying to feel whatever it was. GodS, he was going insane. What triggered the change? He couldn't feel anything on his back. He had to! There had to be something - some reason. With a wail of frustration he clutched at his shoulder, fingers bruising bronze skin.

~~Stop!~~

He started keening, fear burning through him. He didn't - couldn't - stop. His nails dug into the skin, trying to remove that mark, the taint, that Frieza had left on him. He could feel the blood coating his hand, and still he didn't stop.

~~Vegeta! Stop!~~

He would rip out bone and muscle to rid himself of this evil. He wasn't Frieza, he couldn't be Frieza...oh GodS, don't let him be Frieza!

~~Obey me, monkey!~~

How deep were his fingers? He ignored the blood and the pain and pressed deeper, his arm twisted at an impossible angle. Close - he knew he was close. More...just a little more.

Goku awoke to the scent of blood and fear. He searched desperately for its source and saw Vegeta. His prince was on his knees, whimpering in pain and terror. His fingers were buried deep in his shoulder as he desperately tried to dig out the source of his nightmare.

Vegeta was wild-eyed, staring at nothing Goku could see. He tried to capture Vegeta's hand, pull it away, but somehow the prince was pouring all of his ki into that limb. He would have to ascend and force it away - possibly hurting him more. Vegeta had been trying to block him, but the instant Goku touched him that barrier fell. He could hear Vegeta's desperate thoughts - and the voice ordering him to stop. ::Close. Just a little more. Then I'll be free.:: Goku growled in frustration. Vegeta was engaged in some nightmarish mission to remove all trace of Frieza. Vegeta couldn't hear him - wasn't even listening to the voice. The voice was furious, its shouts deafening. He tried to reach Vegeta through their bond. He didn't waste time to be surprised at how easy it was for him to enter Vegeta's mind. He was one with his prince - and when Vegeta touched something and screamed, agony lancing up his spine, Vegeta's memories and images flooded into his brain.

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Dodoria carried him tucked under one arm. Carried him - like a sack of meat. He was a prince, damn it, and demanded respect!

"Knock it off brat. Lord Frieza wants to see you."

"Put me down, you fucking blob!" Vegeta cursed and managed to pinpoint a ki-blast into the back of Dodoria's hand, making him drop him. He smirked with satisfaction before the pink soldier kicked him, sending him sailing until he landed in a crumpled heap at Frieza's feet.

Frieza smirked down at him. Vegeta couldn't tear his eyes away from the blood-red stare.

"Dodoria," the lizard purred, "Are you having problems dealing with one stunted monkey child? If you are, maybe we could find you some less...strenuous ...duty."

Vegeta's tail twitched once before he could control it. Dodoria was going to be pissed at him for getting him in trouble with Frieza - he would have to be on his guard.

"There was no problem, my lord," Dodoria said bowing.

"You are dismissed Dodoria - but no going to medical to get that taken care of. Next time you will remember that the monkey is vicious."

Vegeta smirked as Frieza crossed the room to his throne. Dodoria might get revenge, but it was worth it to see the expression on the blob's face. He swore the bastard was going to shit himself at Freiza's veiled threat.

"Come here, my little monkey prince," Frieza commanded.

Vegeta gritted his teeth in annoyance at the name, but obeyed the lizard and approached the throne.

"Come, kneel before me princeling."

He had schooled himself not to react to the bastard's taunts, but it was hard, especially when he knew this was how some of the worst beatings started. Radditz had tried to teach him these weren't his fault - he hadn't done anything wrong - but still his list of current deeds and misdeeds ran through his mind.

He met Frieza's eyes, refusing to look down like the lizard wanted. The thick tail wrapped around his neck and he bit back a growl.

"Pet, I have only owned you for a few years..."

"You don't own me," he snapped.

"Poor little monkey. You just don't understand, do you? Your father didn't want you - he gave you to me. I have great plans for you, pet. I can put you in command of armies of followers - all you have to do is swear your loyalty to me."

"I am the Prince of all Saiyans - I will not swear loyalty to you," Vegeta snarled, struggling to pull the noose free.

Frieza chuckled and tightened his tail, making each breath an effort.

"All Saiyans? How amusing. Little monkey - there are only three of you left. Not much of a kingdom is it? You will never get enough strength from those two to resist me. I am offering you power, princeling - you will never get it any other way."

"I will - I will destroy you some day," he gasped.

"Such a fiery little monkey - but you have become more difficult to deal with. I find I must leash you."

Vegeta froze. Leash him? He had heard about the ki collars that Frieza's scientists had created. If the lizard put one of those on him he would have no chance of getting strong enough to kill Frieza.

Frieza must have seen the fear that flashed through his eyes.

"Poor monkey. So easily frightened. No, no pet. I would not collar you," Frieza purred. "I like it when you fight and squirm - so entertaining. I just want to make sure I can keep some control over you."

"You can't control me," he panted. Frieza's tail was choking him. He felt himself going limp, vision grey with two bright red beams watching him, laughing. ::Radditz, help me...::

He couldn't resist the lizard - he was too strong for a child to fight. This was good - he could rest, he wouldn't have to hurt anymore... ::I'm sorry, Rad-::

He was snapped back to awareness by excruciating agony, starting in his shoulder, blazing down his spine to the tip of his tail, coursing up and searing his brain. He screamed, wanting to get away, wanting to pass out, wanting to die. But Frieza wouldn't let him - he felt him twisting something deep inside of him, not letting him escape this torture.

He wasn't sure if he passed out - he couldn't remember. All he recalled was finding himself on his hands and knees, shaking and whimpering, his entire body on fire.

"Yes Zarbon, you were right. Saiyan biology is a wonderful thing - all those lovely nerve centers. It's a wonder the monkeys survived as long as they did with these foolish bonding methods. So easy to take advantage of..."

Zarbon strode over and hauled him to his feet, studying his dazed eyes.

"Won't his bodyguard notice?"

"He won't be back for several days - My control will be firmly in place before then."

Zarbon dropped him, making him cry out at the pain.

"What did...what did you do to me?" he asked, struggling to keep from erupting in anguished sobs.

"I told you pet - I needed some control over you. This lets me watch you, talk to you - take over if it looks like you are getting into trouble."

He reached over his shoulder, trying to reach the origin of the ache, intending to pull out whatever it was.

Zarbon grinned. "That's not a good idea, brat."

Vegeta ignored him and dug at the wound, only to be overwhelmed by the same dizzying agony.

"Told you," Zarbon laughed.

"Bastard," Vegeta hissed, trying to regain control of his breathing. "I will not be your puppet."

"It's no good trying, Vegeta," Frieza cooed, watching him with hungry eyes. "You'll never be able to remove it. It's already started attaching itself to your spinal cord - another hour and it will be a permanent part of you."

"You sick fucking lizard!"

Frieza smiled and Vegeta couldn't help himself - he shivered. "Little monkey - you haven't seen sick and depraved yet - you will soon enough. You will learn - you belong to me - and only me."

"Bullshit! I will fight you."

"Perhaps little monkey, perhaps. It will be entertaining to leave you with enough free will to think you can fight me. I will let you run loose for now - I have plans for you... I might let you get strong enough to ascend like those foolish legends. You would make a very pretty pet as a Super Saiyan. But you will never be one without me."

"I will. I'll get stronger. I'll destroy you!"

Frieza erupted out of his seat, appearing instantly before him. Vegeta couldn't move as the lizard's fist slammed into him, throwing him across the room.

"No monkey. I will break you. I will crush you. You are bonded to me now - I am your master, and your weak Saiyan mind will keep you from being any type of threat to me. I own you Vegeta. You are my slave, my pet, my Saiyan."

Frieza left him there, bleeding and barely conscious, and started to leave the room.

"Come Zarbon - let's see what creatures we have in the pens. I feel the need to torture someone. I feel generous today - perhaps one for you?"

"Thank you Lord Frieza." Zarbon hesitated. "Master, if I may ask a question?" He continued at the lizard's nod. "Since he knows about it - won't he resist? He has excellent mental control for a child."

"In a few minutes, he won't remember any of this - he will pass out, and when he wakes up all he will know is that some time has passed."

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::I'm never going to escape from Frieza. He owns me - living or dead.::

Vegeta returned to the present, curled up and twitching, fingers still buried deep in his shoulder. He was numb and unresisting as Kakorr carried him to the bed and gave him a senzu. He watched Kakorr's tears as he cleaned the blood from his hands and knew that he had relived the entire horrific memory through their bond.

Kakorr was speaking - something about everything being all right, but he knew it wasn't true. It wasn't possible. He couldn't escape.

He was suddenly afraid Frieza could reach his companion through their bond. What was he going to do? How was he going to protect Kakorr? Those rings he had attached to the gravity room - he knew what they were for. He had been chained to them often enough by Frieza - chained, ki-restrained, beaten, tortured... He whimpered... raped...

Vegeta nearly vibrated with the horror he felt. Somehow... somehow Frieza would get to Kakorr through him. The lizard was a monster - he would destroy Kakorr - his darkness would smother that beautiful light. The closer Vegeta was to him, the more danger he was in. Kakorr had no defenses against someone that evil.

He looked down - Kakorr was kneeling in front of him, arms around his waist, head in his lap. He distractedly ran his fingers through the dark hair. Kakorr was weeping; he could feel the moisture on his leg.

What had he done those other times he was under the lizard's control? He had no doubt now that Frieza could control him from hell, but why? How many times - what was the purpose? Didn't they have enough problems? Why now? Why...?

He counted the times again - and then he knew - knew exactly what he had done with a certainty that sent ice up his spine. Oh GodS! No... please... no... He had put Kakorr in danger. What should he do to protect his companion? How could he keep Kakarott safe from him?

Vegeta ignored the tears running down his face, dripping into his companion's black hair. He had to get away from Kakorr. It was the only way to save him.

He had to leave Kakorr - because he loved him.

TBC