Maintaining: Remorse

Chapter 43 - Remorse

This was where he first met Kakorr. This was where he suffered one of his worst defeats because he was alone and Kakorr had friends. But his life had changed so much since then.

He had hoped for a chance to be happy with Kakorr. He could hardly believe how much the young Saiyan cared for him - loved him. He wanted to believe his life could change because of Kakorr. That chance was gone now. All hope was gone - all he had left was remorse.

Vegeta fell to the ground with an anguished cry. It had been so close. With Kakorr he could have had the type of partner he had dreamed of. He had even considered asking the Namek to find out about mating for him. In his dreams he was tied to Kakorr forever.

No longer. Kakorr would not want to mate with him now. How could his lover ever forgive him for the pain and fear he had caused?

He made a ball of ki, small and focused. He would drive it into his body, burning through his heart just as Frieza had done years ago. His suffering would be shorter than he deserved - less than what he put his beloved Kakorr through - but he had no other way of ensuring his death.

He stared at it, studying it. His ki was still so affected by Kakorr - the ball seemed to be filled with his energy. It was a bright, beautiful green shot through with sparks of his own yellow. Somehow it seemed fitting to die from ki that felt like the one he had betrayed.

And then there was warmth behind him, surrounding him as he was wrapped in his lover's strong arms, large hands trapping his wrists.

"What are you doing, Vegeta?"

He didn't fight, just looked down at his stained hands, vision blurred by tears, the ball of ki fading away. "Let me go, Kakorr. I have to..."

"Why?" He heard the sorrow in Kakorr's voice and closed his eyes. Pain. All he did was cause pain.

He just shook his head. How could he answer that? How could he make Kakorr understand?

"Vegeta, please..."

Kakorr was touching him, holding him. He stared down at his bloody hands, curling and uncurling his fingers. He could feel Kakorr's skin against his and fought the urge to sink back against the warmth of his lover. As much as he wanted to wrap himself around Kakorr's comforting heat, he couldn't - he was a monster. He didn't deserve to stroke his lover's burning skin - he didn't deserve to be loved like this.

"You're not, Vegeta. You're not a monster."

"Please Kakorr," he whispered. "Let me go."

"Why? Why do you want to leave me?" Goku asked hoarsely. The pain and fear he had experienced was nothing compared to what Vegeta was feeling now. He could feel how much his prince hurt and didn't know how to make him feel better.

"I have to."

"You can't die." Vegeta was so filled with regret he thought the only way to make it stop was to kill himself. Goku had to stop him - how could he live without his prince?

"I have to. To protect..."

"Then kill me first - let me die with you," Goku whispered, shifting to Vegeta's side so he could hold his prince closer, breathing in Vegeta's scent. He would willingly join Vegeta in hell, stay with him, love him, protect him there.

"No!" Vegeta looked at him with horrified eyes.

"I won't let you go alone. You'll be sent to-"

"Hell. I know. It doesn't matter." Vegeta dropped his gaze back to his hands.

"It does matter. He's there. He'll try to hurt you again." It wasn't fair. Vegeta was not a bad person anymore - he had done good things. How could Frieza have deliberately done such a horrible thing to his prince?

"I know."

"And you would rather go to hell than stay here with me?"

"Kakorr..."

"Look me in the eye and tell me that. Do you really want to leave me?"

Goku trailed his fingertips over Vegeta's damp cheek. His prince didn't react at all, just continued to stare down at his hands.

"This is your blood...as well as...."

Vegeta didn't resist as he took his prince's smaller, soft hands in his own and began cleaning them with a ripped piece of the sheet that was still tangled around him.

"Vegeta...please listen to me. I am not angry with you. Nothing that happened was your fault..."

"Weak..."

"No Makoto, you are not weak," he said, shredding more fabric, removing the bloody reminders from his prince's body. "You are strong - you always have been. You fought against that monster - alone - for years. And now you have defeated him."

"I didn't..."

Goku curled his palm over his unhappy prince's cheek, brushing his lips with his thumb, tilting Vegeta's face up so he could see his ebony eyes.

"You did, Vegeta. You did what he thought was impossible. You resisted the slave chip- "

"He was going to hurt you," Vegeta said, his voice so low Goku could barely hear him.

"I know...and you fought him to protect me. You killed him to protect me." He wanted to curl around his prince and weep for everything that was lost today. There wasn't punishment harsh enough for the fucking lizard.

"I killed you."

"You saved me."

Vegeta let him pick up his limp tail, not making a sound as he lightly brushed the fur. He tried to think of the right thing to say, to do - how could he convince Vegeta not to kill himself? He was in danger of losing his prince forever.

"I raped you," Vegeta whispered, stumbling over the word.

"It was the brainwashing Makoto, not you."

"How do I know it won't happen again?"

He stared into jet black eyes. He didn't know. He didn't know exactly what Frieza had done to his prince's mind. But he couldn't let Vegeta die. He would risk being hurt again before he would let his prince kill himself. It was more than not wanting to be alone. An angry, vengeful Frieza would be waiting for Vegeta in hell, and in his current state of mind his lover would accept the lizard's torture as appropriate punishment. Goku would die himself before he would let that happen.

"It won't make me stop loving you. Don't you understand Vegeta? I love you. I loved you before and I love you now. Nothing has changed."

Vegeta looked into Kakorr's chocolate eyes, bright with tears. He lifted a hand, almost caressing his lover's sad face before letting it drop back onto his lap. He didn't deserve to touch Kakorr.

"Makoto, you do deserve to be loved." Kakorr whispered, his words and meaning echoing through their bond. Trust? Faith? Devotion? How could Kakorr care for him so much? Kakorr took his hands from his lap, kissing his palms before bringing them to rest on his face and chest, holding them there with his large strong hands..

Vegeta nearly trembled at the feeling of his lover beneath his fingers. Kakorr's chest was firm and smooth, radiating heat. And his face...he trailed his fingertips over a soft cheek.

"I love you Kakorr..." and as he said it he realized he had never actually told Kakorr. He let the strong arms pull him closer, guiding his head to rest on his lover's shoulder. Kakorr looped his beautiful black tail around his waist and began purring just for him.

"Stay with me. Please Vegeta. If you do this, he wins."

"Kakorr, I can't live like this. It...hurts."

"I know it does. I can feel it too. It's so bad it is a physical pain. It's a horrible feeling and you want to scream and cry and stop breathing and hide and hit something... and you can't imagine it ever ending. But it won't always feel like this - I promise."

"Kakorr..." he pleaded.

"Please Vegeta...give me some time. Think what this is doing to me - I can feel it all through our bond. I love you. I need you. Wait a few days - a few weeks... it won't hurt this way forever. Please don't leave me like this."

He just stared into sorrow-filled brown eyes - he didn't know what to do anymore. He didn't want to hurt Kakorr, but he didn't want to leave him either... and Kakorr said it wasn't his fault...

"Makoto," Kakorr purred before pressing his lips to his. The kiss was soft, chaste and gentle. He dropped the last weak barrier and felt everything Kakorr wanted him to understand.

He made a tiny moan of confusion and Kakorr's tongue slid between his parted lips, touching and tasting him. He didn't feel he deserved this trust and devotion, but Kakorr insisted he did. What if he...?

::Time Vegeta. Give it time. For me.::

Kakorr drew away and they just stared at each other for long minutes. He drifted his fingers over Kakorr's tear-stained cheeks. Kakorr had given him so much, done so much, asked for so little in return... he could do this for Kakorr. He would give him his time.

"I will try Kakorr. I will stay with you."

TBC
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Vegeta's use of Kakorr is more sound and purring contentment. Goku's name for Vegeta is deliberate and supposed to be filled with meaning - one word is supposed to tell Vegeta how he feels. Unless I have misread my dictionaries - Makoto means truth; faith; sincerity; trust; confidence; reliance; devotion