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Well, you wanted the harsh crit, so I'll start at the start.
The start of it was too abrupt for me, but I know nothing of KOTOR- heck, i didn't know that abreviation till then. It looked like something I'd expect when I got to know Aurora beter. The storyline has alot of merit, but I don't feel Sith in the writing. It's a little hard to explain... Actions speak louder ther words sometimes, but in a story, its beter to show minor emotions and stuff to bring out the personality. Image what she would do if you were in her body, hearing her thoughs, moving her movements. She does alot of standing around talking tough if you don't put reactions in. Also pacing. The shorter the sentance, the faster it reads. You have alot of long sentances, and it reads slow. Changing sentance length makes it interestign. Give all new speekers a new line, new paragraphs are indented in
http://www.paperdemon.com/storyview.php/id/879.html
This is one of my excerpts- it's not a complete story, it's me writing a concept down. It's mostly the part AFTER the creatures attack in this that is key- quick words like immediatly, and suddenly, and short/simple sentances give action, and longer ones suggest a wait, or slower. Also note Alex's personality change. Admittedly, alot of his emotions are visual in his flame in this, but you can tell he's hostile. If someone uses force lighting on another, there is a reaction from both parties- the caster (grinning, or angery etc..) and the reciever (frieghtened, brave). This is shown in expression and movements.
Ahhh- if any of this doesn't make sence, ask? I'm losing my train of thought- a bit sick ^^; Heheh..."
Well, if this is "harsh" its the most marshmellowy harsh critique of any sort I have ever received. But I liked it, you gave me EXACTLY what I wanted. Now to answer a few questions about KOTOR, its a video game thats set about 4000 Years BBY (Before the Battle of Yavin). What im doing is an AU, as you can tell and what I did was add my character, (Who if I continue after this will probably pop up in my other fics) and shes basicly trying to reconnect with Revan, her childhood freind. Now, mind you I am taking some liberties with the story (Malak doesent know Revan is alive until later, but for story purposes he is aware) The one big thing im worried about is how im Devoloping Flower Aurora. Ive had problems with people "feeling" for my characters before, and im trying to put some emotion into her. Malak was pretty easy, since his choice in a situation is the one that involves the most violence, but not so much as Bandon. Anyways, you said the storyline has merit right? What am I doing right (Youve given me a good idea on what to fix, thanks!) so I know to add more of that. I think I get what you mean by the sentances though, but most of this was meant to be Flower "remembering" things, I understand what you mean. Thanks alot, I appreciate it.
Emmet, I do enjoy writing, it just gets fustrating when you write something you think is good, and theres no one to enjoy it, know what I mean? Anyways, what did you think of my political satire? I wrote that awile back but I would like to hear an opinion.
