Starved: Chapter 1

Somewhere. She knew she was somewhere, but not exactly sure of a precise location. It was familiar, she’d seen it many times, and knew its ins and outs. But at the same time, she knew she was just dreaming. There was no real danger here, although the impending dark storm clouds made the place feel very much otherwise.

A blaring, screeching noise suddenly pierced her ears, causing the world to distort and fade. She knew she was waking up.

Neo slammed her hand down on her nightstand, searching around blindly for her beeping phone. She should really set a calmer alarm tone at some point.

After finally shutting the damn alarm off, she rolled over onto her back, staring up at the ceiling from where she lay in her bed. The covers were thrown halfway off of her body, but that was nothing unusual. She was normally a restless sleeper. After a while longer, she decided that she’d spent enough time being useless and laying in bed, launching herself upright and swinging her legs off the edge of the bed.

Never one to bother with things such as slippers, she padded barefoot over to her bathroom to change, grabbing a fresh set of clothes along the way.

Upon seeing her reflection in the bathroom mirror, all good thoughts drained from her mind.

“Have I always been such an ugly thing? How does anyone put up with talking to me? They’re probably just being nice until I’m gone. Not that I expect them to continue being kind to me, I don’t really do anything worth their appreciation anyway…”

Neo shook her head violently, trying to clear her head quickly. She couldn’t think like this, not this early. At least wait until after she’d fully woken up and could defend from her own mind.

Her hands were shaking. She hadn’t realized until her loose grip on her selected clothing gave out, dropping them in a pile by her feet. Her breathing was also quite fast and shallow. She felt lightheaded and weightless. She had to get back to her bed, before her legs gave up on her and she collapsed and banged her head or something.

She had completely forgotten her clothes on the floor by now, her only focus being to get back to her bed to lay down. What was happening to her? I’m probably just coming down with something. Right…?

After about half an hour of laying in bed scrolling through her social media, she felt almost no better. Maybe she should call and tell someone what was going on…

She hesitated with one finger over her phone’s contacts app. What If no one’s available right now? I’d just be disturbing them. Maybe I should just leave it, it’s bound to go away soon.

Her thoughts raced around her head at full speed, all until they reached one individual. One Neo held very dear.

Maybe I could call her… would she even be able to see me? Or would it just be selfish to take her time away to focus on me? I’m sure she has someone she’d rather see more than me.

Neo squeezed her eyes shut in an attempt to block out her thoughts. She really needed help.

She unlocked her phone, which had turned off after being on for more than thirty seconds unattended, and opened her contacts. The most recent one was the one she had her mind set on. She quickly pressed call, putting it into speakerphone mode. The droning sound of the dial went on for a few seconds before the other line picked up.

“Hey Neo! What’s up?”

The one on the other end of the line sounded quite cheery, if not a bit tired herself. Neo felt bad for potentially waking her up.

“Hello? You there?”

Neo snapped out of her mind once again.

“Yeah, I’m here, sorry.”

“Ah, ok. A little tired, I presume?”

Neo didn’t know how to answer. On one hand yes, but on the other it was a bit more complicated than just ‘being tired.’

“Yeah, I guess so.” She sighed finally.

“Hey, are you available right now? I… need help with some stuff.”

“Of course! Your place?” The other’s voice was so… soothing.

“Uh, yeah. As soon as you can, preferably.” Neo said.

“Sure thing! I’ll be there soon, just gotta get dressed first. See you then!”

The other side of the line hung up. Neo tossed her phone away and slung her arm over her eyes. She really was a leech.

About 5 minutes later, Neo heard a faint knocking at her apartment door. She reluctantly got up and made her way as best she could over to the door and turned the handle. It creaked open, allowing Neo to peek out and see who was there. It was who she expected of course; Jade.

“Hi. So you said you needed help with something?” Jade asked from outside.

“Uh yeah, come on in.” Neo stepped away from the door and allowed it to be pushed open by  Jade.

Jade looked around a bit, taking in Neo’s apartment. Neo wasn’t sure why; it hadn't been too long since Jade had last visited. In fact, it had only been… uh… huh, maybe it had been a while. Now that she thought about it, it had probably been about a month since she’d last had Jade over. Or anyone, for that matter. Mainly they’d just texted, since Jade was sometimes busy, and Neo was usually too socially drained to do much.

“So what is it you needed help with? Don’t tell me you’re moving. ‘Cuz I’d definitely not believe you.” Jade remarked.

Neo wanted to give her a chuckle, she really did, but there wasn’t much energy in her to begin with. Instead she just smiled and glanced away.

“No, no. Not moving. I just…” Neo had no idea what to say. There was no real reason that she’d called Jade in the first place, not a worthy one anyway. She just wasn’t feeling well and needed company.

“You what?” Jade cocked her head affectionately.

“I just needed some company is all, I guess. Been feeling a bit unwell this morning.” Neo replied. It wasn’t entirely untrue, she hadn’t been feeling well.

“Oh! Ok, so you just wanted to hang out for a bit? I’m sure you’re just worn out, but I’ll be sure to stay as long as you want me to.” Jade was honestly too kind. What did Neo do to deserve someone like this?

“Yeah, that sounds nice. Can we just watch something on TV? I don’t have much energy for anything else, honestly.” Neo asked hesitantly, not wanting to suggest something Jade didn’t want to do.

“Yeah, sure, whatever you want to do is fine by me.” Jade’s voice was enough to put Neo to sleep, it was so smooth and calming.

Neo headed over to her small open living room area, seating herself on one side of the couch, while Jade plopped herself down on the opposite side.

Jade grabbed the remote off the end table next to her, turning on the TV and flipping through the channels. She absentmindedly began to talk to Neo, who was completely zoned out. She gave the occasional response to the things Jade asked her, but other than that, she was lost in her mind.

She’s only here by obligation. If she really wanted to see you, she would’ve asked to visit sooner.

That little voice in the back of Neo’s mind began to rear its ugly head again, spouting sentence after sentence of negativity and vile words.

Neo was so damn tired of it all. She wished she could just simply disappear one day, leaving without a trace, not putting others into hurtful situations because of it.

She began to cry.

“Hey, this looks decently interesting. Why don’t we watch this?”

Jade asked, having stopped on some kind of animal documentary that was airing very soon.

She only heard slight sniffles in response.

Looking over, Neo was curled in on herself, covering her eyes from view with her arm. Her cheek feathers were stained with tears.

“Hey, what’s wrong? Are you alright?” Jade quickly forgot about the TV, turning all her attention to her upset friend.

Neo only turned away further.

“I can come back later, if you’re really not feeling well. It’s no problem at all, really-”

“No!”

Jade had hardly said the final word before she was cut off by Neo sitting up abruptly and shouting. Jade flinched away.

Neo felt awful. She’d just yelled at her best friend, and even though it had no ill intent behind it, Neo couldn’t help but notice her friend’s scared expression. Neo fell back onto the couch, covering her face with both arms now. She tried to suppress her sobs, but failed.

She heard rustling from the other end of the couch. The weight on the cushions lifted.

That was it. Jade was surely leaving. Neo had ruined everything. As usual of course, she couldn’t be expected to do anything right, so it was bound to happen sooner or later.

Suddenly, Neo was lifted off the couch completely. She flailed her arms for a moment, trying to find a hold on something. Jade had picked her up off the couch.

She stared surprisedly at Jade, who had no angry expression on her face, no malice behind her eyes. Neo couldn’t understand why. Why would Jade want to help her like this? After she’d neglected to invite her over or even hang out together for over a month, and after her recent outburst.

Jade began taking Neo towards her room, as Neo settled on gripping Jade’s shirt like her life depended on it.

“Let’s get you in here, TV doesn’t seem like such a great idea anymore.” Jade said as she gently kicked Neo’s door open and walked over to place her precious cargo in her arms on the bed. Neo didn’t want to let go.

“I won’t leave, I promise.” Jade already seemed to know what Neo was thinking. Neo reluctantly let go of her friend’s shirt, flopping over onto her side, facing away from Jade to look out her window. The clouds were dark and gloomy. Not an incredibly uplifting sight.

The bed dipped next to her. Jade had sat down, still watching over Neo. Neo still didn’t want to look at her. If anything, she more so didn’t want to look at her so as not to reveal the slight blush creeping up her neck and onto her face.

After calming down a bit, the situation seemed slightly strange. Neo’s best friend was here, sitting in her room, on her bed, with Neo. Well, Neo liked to refer to Jade as a “friend,” but Neo felt that at least her own feelings for Jade exceeded that label by a longshot. She wasn’t sure if Jade knew, or had even picked up on these feelings in the past to present, which both comforted and terrified Neo at the same time. What if she found out one day? What if she hated her after learning of these feelings? But also, what if she never got the chance to tell Jade how she felt? Would she live the rest of her life alone, stuck in limbo between wanting to confess and staying silent?

Jade placed her hand on Neo’s shoulder gently, startling her back into the reality of the moment.

“You’re thinking too hard.”

Neo’s eyes were dry enough now that she could look up at Jade without feeling hideous and gross. Jade’s expression was soft, but there was a slight level of concern behind that sweet face Neo loved so much.

“I’m fine. Just… stressed.” Neo lied, turning to look back out the window. It had started to lightly rain outside.

Jade sighed, patting Neo’s shoulder.

“You should learn to lie better.” Jade remarked with a chuckle. Neo’s face felt hot again. Damn it.

They sat for a moment longer, just listening to the rain tapping on the window, accompanied by each other’s light breathing. Jade finally broke the tension in the air.

“How long has this been going on for?” Jade sounded anxious.

Neo didn’t want to answer. Not because she had anything to hide anymore, but because she didn’t know what to say. How long had this been going on? Weeks? Months? Years? She couldn’t tell anymore. She’d felt like this for a long time now, but it was rarely this intense. Now it felt like every day was bogged down by these feelings, these thoughts that spoke for themselves in her mind. Her eyes stung again.

“I don’t know.” Neo’s voice was quiet but shaky, the corners of her eyes pin pricked with tears. Jade seemed to notice, for she laid on her back next to Neo, staring up at the ceiling.

“Why didn’t you tell me? You know you can trust me. … Right?” Jade asked, her voice catching on her last word. Neo felt horrible now. Why didn’t I tell her? I’d trust her with my life, I should’ve let her know at least…

You know she doesn’t need you.

Neo closed her eyes, gritting her teeth and trying her hardest to quiet her mind.

No, no, no, no, that’s not true. I know she likes me at least, or else she wouldn’t still be here.

You know that’s not true.

Shut up… shut up! Just leave me alone!

“Neo!”

Neo’s eyes snapped open, tears flowing freely now. She propped herself up swiftly with her palms, nearly sitting up now.

Jade’s hands were gripping her shoulders, her face unreadable. She had been presumably shaking Neo, trying to get her friend out of whatever situation was causing her so much distress.

“I-I’m sorry Jade, I know this probably sucks for you, and-”

Neo was cut off by Jade pulling her into an embrace, resting her head on Neo’s shoulder. Neo immediately grabbed onto the back of Jade’s shirt, as if letting go would cause Jade to disappear. She felt Jade’s body quake, something that startled Neo.

“I just want you to be ok…” Jade’s voice was muffled by Neo’s shirt, which now had stains from Jade’s own tears on the shoulder. Neo said nothing, scared to cause another upset in both her and her friend. She just gripped tighter onto Jade’s torso, hoping her friend would get the silent message.

Jade was the first to let go, lifting her head off of Neo’s shoulder and pulling away. Her eyes were slightly reddened, as were Neo’s most likely (though with her naturally red eyes it would be hard to tell.) Neo sniffled, wiping her beak with her wrist. The rain was continuing to come down outside, albeit a bit heavier now.

“You never answered me earlier.”

Neo looked up at Jade, who was looking at her with a still-concerned expression.

“What?”

“When I asked how long this has been going on for. Do you remember when it first happened? ...Do you even want to answer that?”

Neo lowered her head, placing her forehead on Jade’s chest.

“I don’t really know, honestly.” Neo’s voice was quiet.

Jade rubbed Neo’s back comfortingly, prompting her to continue.

“It used to be at least bearable, now it’s just… overpowering, y’know?” She still had few words that could accurately explain her troubles.

“It’s like… something’s here with me, in my head I mean. Like it’s been festering there for a long time, just spewing an endless stream of negativity and hate. Oh, I don’t know how to accurately explain it really. It’s just… it sucks. It really, really sucks. To feel like this every day.”

Neo felt a bit better, having said something to someone at least. Someone she could trust.

Jade, for once, had nothing to say. She just continued to hold her friend close, trying to process what had been said.

Neo felt bad, burdening Jade with her own problems.

She blinked briefly, trying to clear her head again. She couldn’t do this again.

It was all too much.

“Jade?” Neo’s voice was even quieter now.

“Hmm?” Jade hummed.

“Would… would you miss me if I was gone? Like, if I just disappeared one day, like, gone from existence. Nothing left of me to care about.”

Jade recoiled at her friend’s harsh words.

“What? Of course I would! What a silly question.”

Jade hesitated. “You aren’t… thinking of doing anything drastic, right?”

Neo shook her head lightly. In all honesty, she hadn’t planned anything to end her life. It was just a thought she’d had, one that had been gnawing at the back of her mind for a while now.

“Good. Very good.” Jade replied.

A moment of silence began, save for the sounds of the heavy rain outside still pounding on the windows. A thought popped into Neo’s head.

“Jade? There’s something else I’ve wanted to tell you. For a long time now.”

Jade cocked her head to her right, a questioning look on her face.

“I… I really, really like you. Like, a lot. You’re always so kind and welcoming, you take care of me, even when I don’t deserve it. I get it if you don’t feel the same way, or you want to leave right now, I get it. If you never want to talk to me ever again after this, I understand. If-”

Neo was cut off abruptly by Jade locking their beaks together in a gentle kiss.

A fire coursed through Neo’s veins, her body feeling like it was ablaze. Jade pulled away quickly, looking to Neo for silent approval. Neo just sat there, mouth slightly open, stunned. Her face was no doubt as red as Jade’s right now.

“I could never leave you. Ever. I really like you too. I’ve just never known how to express that without ruining what we had.” Jade said, turning away shyly.

Neo gently took Jade’s hand, curling her tail around Jade’s body where she sat in front of her. Neo laughed lightly.

“What?” Jade asked, smiling.

“Nothing, it’s just… so cliche. This situation.” Neo giggled.

Jade snorted, rolling her eyes playfully.

“That’s your only thought right now? I mean, you’re not wrong, but…”

They both had a good laugh, the mood instantly lifting a bit. Neo glanced over at her phone’s clock. It read 1:47 PM. Even though it was so early in the day, Neo felt so damn tired after everything that had happened. The dark gloomy weather outside didn’t help much either. She involuntarily yawned.

“Tired?” Jade asked.

Neo nodded, suddenly throwing herself upon Jade, knocking her onto her back. Neo merely laid down on Jade’s body, resting her head on her chest.

“Don’t you want me to, y’know, leave you to sleep? I can just hang out for a while, tidy up maybe.”

Neo shook her head. “You can stay in here. You must be tired too, right?”

Jade sighed. “I mean, I won’t say no to a good nap. But maybe we should get more comfortable first? Blankets would be nice. And a pillow.”

Neo lifted herself off of Jade, grabbing her blanket from the floor. Jade made herself comfortable at the head of Neo’s bed, while Neo threw the blanket over the two of them. Neo’s bed was small, since she was the only one who’d ever used it at one time until now. But they made it work. Even if they were very close, Neo didn’t much care. Given the day’s events and what had transpired between the two, she didn’t think either of them cared really. She merely wrapped her arms around Jade’s waist, placing her chin on her shoulder and closing her eyes. Jade returned the embrace.

“You know I really do love you, right?” Jade asked.

Neo hummed contently in response, already beginning to drift into sleep. She didn’t dream vividly that day, and that was a welcome change for sure.