I'm also looking for someone to give me storyline critique, but mine is for a comic script.

In case you don't know what I'm talking about, here's Part 1 (First 10 pages)


The Final Sunset

The Final Sunset is the back story of one of my characters Bryan Dragon, and his struggles with his world being torn apart around him.
His world has been turned upside down by the reincarnated spirit of pur evil- the Drakobitus, and now Bryan and his Father struggle to keep their world alive. Searching for how the light and dark Dragon are ment to destroy the Drakobitus, they find that he has one more trick up his sleeve....


So yeah- I've started writing Part 2, and I just want to see what people think so far. Apparently one of the scenes is great writing, but I never hear any more than that >.> It's kinda annouying...

Part 2 (unfinished) of Final Sunset


If you want to see how I do my comic for your own referance, this script is a great layout- my friend found it in a how to book and it saves SO much heart ache ^^;

Can't wait to hear from you all!! :hug:

I kept combing through the Part 2 script, but couldn't find anything I would change. I think you nailed it pretty well.

In the part where the Drakobitus comes up behind Bryan, it made more sense to me just to have him cut him down from behind, but I'm sure for character development's sake things happened in the script the way they did.

The one thing that looked a little confusing was toward the end, when the Drakobitus slashes Bryan in the chest, but instead of blood there's a big white spark or something? I figured Blaze used a protection spell or something to save his life, but I'm sure it will make sense once I see the actual page.

But, if it were me, when the Drakobitus is about to run Bryan through, I'd have Blaze push him out of the way and be fatally wounded by the Drakobitus. With Blaze dead, Bryan must search for a new Dark Dragon (assuming Blaze was the dark one) to destroy the Drakobitus. (I like tragedies.)

But ultimately I think you have a working script and it doesn't need any drastic changes.

And last, for story critique, just pay attention to things like atmosphere, tension, mood, pacing - those kinds of things. And try attacking your panels from diffrent angles: one thing I noticed from your earlier 10 pages was a lot of them were simple 3-quarter poses of faces, and straight-on or side views of figures, things like that. Put the 'camera' above, below, and in interesting places and you'll make more dynamic panels.

Well, that's all for now!

On Apr 28, 2007 9:22 pm, Runic Tunic said:
[quote]

I kept combing through the Part 2 script, but couldn't find anything I would change. I think you nailed it pretty well. (Wow- yays!! ^^ )

In the part where the Drakobitus comes up behind Bryan, it made more sense to me just to have him cut him down from behind, but I'm sure for character development's sake things happened in the script the way they did. (Maybe, but I'm sure Bryan would pay enough attention to notice the Drakobitus above him. Plus, that would put Bryan at a major dissadvantage health wise)

The one thing that looked a little confusing was toward the end, when the Drakobitus slashes Bryan in the chest, but instead of blood there's a big white spark or something? I figured Blaze used a protection spell or something to save his life, but I'm sure it will make sense once I see the actual page. (Sorry, I should've made it clearer- Blaze was chanting a healing spell, while the sword was slicing. Maybe I should add something about him doing a healing spell in the script...)

But, if it were me, when the Drakobitus is about to run Bryan through, I'd have Blaze push him out of the way and be fatally wounded by the Drakobitus. With Blaze dead, Bryan must search for a new Dark Dragon (assuming Blaze was the dark one) to destroy the Drakobitus. (I like tragedies.) (The immediate threat in this isn't the sword through the heart- it's the fact that the Drakobitus is casting a spel that if he touched Bryan, would steal his soul. Maybe I need to make that clearer too *notes down* The idea is that yes- Blaze could push BRyan aside, but all Drakobitus needs to do is touch Bryan and he's dead. Insteed, Blaze puts a protective aura around the two of them and heals the sword's damage. Um- I may need to revise the writing...)

But ultimately I think you have a working script and it doesn't need any drastic changes. (This is good!! :D )

And last, for story critique, just pay attention to things like atmosphere, tension, mood, pacing - those kinds of things. And try attacking your panels from diffrent angles: one thing I noticed from your earlier 10 pages was a lot of them were simple 3-quarter poses of faces, and straight-on or side views of figures, things like that. Put the 'camera' above, below, and in interesting places and you'll make more dynamic panels. (Yeah- The best pages of Final Sunset were my last drawn ones- 4 and 5. I did most of Final Sunset when I was still recovering from my injury and even though I could draw, my mind wasn't thinking dynamically. This second half should be more open for dynamics though I hope. I'll be making more of an effort now I'm essentially back into it :yes:)

Well, that's all for now!

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Thanks for the critique!! This is stuff I will havve to watch out for and you have alot of great comments :hug: Thank you!