Hello everyone,

This isn't really an issue with me, but it's an issue between my aunt and her daughter (my cousin), who just got pregnant.  My cousin is 25, a party girl, and bi - and she's pregnant with a baby boy (father is unknown.) She wants to raise the son with her lesbian partner, but my aunt is very heavily Christian and doesn't support them at all. My aunt says that the boy needs to be raised by a father because he'll starve for that "male role model" his entire life.  Since my aunt raised my cousin as a single mom, I guess she knows what she's talking about?

My aunt says that my cousin is going to go to hell because she's bisexual, and I got into a big argument about that, because I just don't agree that someone should be condemned to hell over sexual orientation.  But to be honest, I'm kinda torn in two over the issue with the baby - yes, if they're both good parents, lesbians can raise a son.  But wouldn't the boy benefit more if he had a real father? Furthermore, is our society really capable at the moment to psychologically support a child with same-sex parents?  Ideally it's a nice idea, but realistically I still don't think the US is very accepting of that. :(

Anyway, I don't really know what to do or say.  It's become a big deal with the family, and I'm not sure who I stand with - my cousin or my aunt?  What do you guys think?

I'm not a parent so my advice may not be worth anything but I'll put in my two cents anyway.

I think that both sides are partly correct. I think your Aunt is correct in that its possible the boy may suffer from lack of a male role model. When kids are growing up they learn gender roles from observing their parents. However, its possible that he can learn the roles of a man from other sources. We all learn what it is to be a boy or a girl from people other than our parents (but I think we tend to learn from our parents first). So I think there is some worth to what your Aunt is saying there. Are there other male family members who can play that role? Perhaps your cousin has a brother?

I agree with you that someone shouldn't go to hell just because of their sexual orientation. That is God's judgement to make, not ours, after all.

I hope they work it out though because it would be a real tragedy if the Aunt refused to support their relationship and ended up not being a part of her grandson's life. I think they should just do the best they can to work it out and put aside their dissagreements for the sake of the boy.

I personally think the male role model is a piece of crap, but I'm not even eighteen yet. My brother and I were raised without a father. My brother turned out pretty normal, I ended up a little wonky (gay, gender-queer, future f-t-m transgender xDD). And that was being raised my a sane, wonderful mother and her friends. There's no telling what I'd be like if my psycho, redneck dad had had a hand in things.

I've also met people raised by lesbian parents, boys and girls, and they've turned out to be great, well-rounded human beings. I know I'm already biased against your aunt for not being supportive and I apologize for that but I think she's very wrong.

The US is very unaccepting of such things in certain areas but much more open in others. They will run into problems, that's a guarantee, but getting past them is one of the best things anyone can do. In general, lesbians are a bit more accepted in society, which could make things easier.

My heart goes out to your cousin and I wish her and you all the best. I know what that kind of drama can be like and I really hope that you figure out what to do soon. I'm just a grumpy kid and I'm not much help in stuff like this, so sorry if I offend. Goddess bless.

i think the lack of a father does pretty much emotonal damage too a child and may pick the exact wrong role-model from the street. He'll be looking at other childeren who have a father. At least I ha dthat problem i got so jealous that i thought to myself a heck i do'n't need a role model. But that's me and i dont know how this little one would react. It would be funny if the baby(when he goes to school) talks to his friend like : I have 2 moms and 0 fathers. I geuss it depends on how he grows up. so do'n't worry for her now.

In the Islam how we look at things like this Just the PArents go to hell. but that means the baby will go to heaven. that my story....

Hmm...this is a bit of a toughie, but I'll give it a shot anywho.

A male role model may be needed, but it all depends on the child. Like some people have said, I've known people who were raised by 2 people of the same gender and ended up ok. The kid will either A. be fine with it, or B. maybe have problems wondering why he doesn't have a dad. It's one of those "wait and see" things to me. As for the whole going to hell thing, well I'm a Christian, and yes I'll admit, some of us may be too religious when it comes to stuff like this. If it were me, I wouldn't be too excited about it at first, but I'd accept it and help out and stuff. She's just being stubborn about it, it's a new time and age(sort of) and she'll have to learn to deal with people who do all that. I dunno, that's just what I think. There are a lot of old fashion Christians who are VERY against this kind of thing, but there are some who would be more accepting. What we newer generation christians believe, is that the only way you'll go to hell is A. if you haven't accepted Jesus as your personal savior, or B. if you have and you reject him. That's it, otherwise you won't go to hell just because you kill someone or are a lesbian or because you killed yourself or whatever. That's what I believe anyway, I hope this helps out a bit :)

Thanks a lot for the insight everyone!  It's all helped me have new ideas about the situation. :)

Personally, my mother died when I was 12 and most of my teenage years I've spent with my dad and my brother (I'm 19 now.)  To be honest, not having a mother around hit me pretty hard, because during the teen years when I was trying to figure out "how to be a woman" (aka hair styling, makeup, how to dress, etc.) I had absolutely no guidance.  I just went to get my nails done for the first time a week ago, and it was a friend who took me. I still don't know how to shop... most of my clothes are distractingly old.  Sometimes it really kills me that I don't have a mother in my life to ask these things about.

However, I'm not sure if the same applies to boys.  I mean, are there more social things that women have to worry about than men? There is a lot more pressure on women (I think) to dress and look a certain way, and when you don't have a mom to show you the "tricks of the trade", it can get really intimidating and frustrating.  I can't think of anything really similar for guys... maybe how to ask a girl out or how to deal with fights, but I dunno, maybe it won't be so hard on him?  If that's the case, then maybe it's harder for a girl to be raised by two fathers than for a guy to be raised by two mothers?

I dunno, I'm just throwing this out there.  What do you guys think?  (Then again, if the two fathers are gay, they'd probably know enough "womanly" stuff to help their daughters out, lol.) 

I also agree that one shouldn't go to Hell based on their sexual orientation, but to me the whole lesbian mother thing is disgusting and the boy should be raised with an actual father. I'm a huge traditionalist and what's right is right and what's wrong is wrong, and to me having two mothers (or two fathers) is wrong, regardless of what American society thinks. I'm extremely against homosexuality. Even if the boy must be fostered by another man, that's fine as long as there's that male role model in his life. Boys that are raised among women turn into them, but boys that are raised by men become men.

Maybe a father and a mother is the "ideal" setup for a child to grow up, but I think the most important thing is that a child is loved, cared for and supported. I too often hear or read about children who are neglected or abused by there parents, that’s what really hurts a child and sadly happens too often in families.

By the way, I’ve seen there are a couple of books on Amazon about same gender parents, when you search with “lesbian parents” or “gay parents”.

Personally, I'm very, very strongly against there being anything "wrong" about same-sex pairings. You are who you are, you know? You can't change that, and for something like this social pressure is the only reason to try. If you feel you're doing right, if you're not doing it with the intention of hurting someone...it can't really be bad, can it?

Anyway, specifically...I think it really depends on why your cousin wants to do this, all told. If it's to show faith in her partner or something like that, then I don't know, maybe things need to be worked over; but if she really feels it'll be the best for her son, there's no better way to do it, then, well, maybe you should trust her?

As for the role model thing...eh. My parents split up when I was in...umm, second or third grade...and I started living with my dad a few years later. It's a lot harder to learn "girl stuff" when there's not really a mother figure around more than a few days every couple weeks. Though, like you said, it's hard to tell if it would be the same for a boy. My bro, also -- well, he lives with me, which obviously means he lives with my dad, but he didn't have any male sibs. I know it's a bit different, but...-shrugs- He acts very different now that we've got a stepbrother around, more, well, like a guy. -winces- Not fun when you're the older sister, trust me. xD

So, to be perfectly blunt -- yes, I do think it would affect the son. How, exactly, depends on how his parents treat him and each other, what he is raised and exposed to, and how his personality is. I say your cousin should go for it, if she's sure her partner would be a willing, solid parent and that the pros of happy/responsible parenting will outweigh the cons of how he'll feel/be treated.

But then, what do I know? I'm still a bit of a kid myself. xD

Wow, I can just tell I'm stepping into a messy tangle of ideals, prejudices, and emotional trauma in the making.

But I'll have a go anyway.

Just keep in mind this is my own personal opinion, and you can disregard it if you like, and if you can gain something helpful from it, well that gives me happy fuzzies.

Here's what I think:

I think that having a kid is one of the gutsiest, dangerous, and terrifying things to do. Forget people being biased against gays, lesbians, athiests, whatever — people are biased against kids. Kids have no rights in our society, they are completely dependant on their parents, and their parents, in turn, are put under pressure to conform to an ideal image which is not always the best for kids. The public school system is deeply flawed, and from what I've seen can inflict just as much mental damage on people as bad parents.

So it doens't matter what I think of same-sex parents, or whether a boy needs a strong male role-model, or whatever. What does matter is that I truly believe the best thing for a kid is to be loved and supported unconditionally by their parents (whoever they may be) and their families.

Don't think of the parents: think of the kid. When someone is having a kid is not the time to start pointing fingers and saying "you're doing it wrong." Whether it is right or wrong does not matter, all that matters is that it is happening, NOW, and it is time for everyone to come together and work as a team to create a loving, caring, supportive environment.

It's a big, scary world out there, and we can only face it, we can only over come it, if we have a safe foothold at home where we can return, where we can be safe, and where we can be loved.

No matter who it is who is doing the loving.

And as a side note: on the subject of men growing up to act like woman: I personally don't think it is a big deal. Acting like a woman... acting like a man... are only superficial characteristics that have no effect on the more important attributes of character like compassion, sympathy, understanding, and integrity.

But if you really want the kid to have a male role model, I know there are agencies that try to introduce adult role models for children with single-parents: so I'm sure it could work out for a child with same-sex parents.

But, like I said: that is what I think. What you think is, of course, entirely up to you.

Good luck.