Invader Scorned: Calling All Hamsters

{WARNING!The following chapter was written under the influence of post-move insanity. Please keep all limbs inside the fic at all times & deposit your remaining sanity by the door. May contain ambiguity, plot holes, & references to Japanese monster movies, as well as massive Freudian puns. Do not read if you are a male-pregnant or maybe male-pregnant, nursing, have dizzy spell, are allergic to tacos or slash, drinking soda, or a Gundam Wing/ Evangelion fan. Song "Faint" belongs to Linkin' Park. Lyrics are in ( these). Do not taunt the Happy Fun-ball. Boundaries of what is allowed by a PG-13 rating will be pushed. Thank you & have a nice day.}

Chapter 6: "Calling All Hamsters!"

To Gaz, the evening was going perfectly. She had just settled on the couch with the last can of Grape Poop firmly in hand. There was going to be a five-hour 'Vampire Piggy Hunter: The Series' marathon and no-one else was home to bother her. It was going to be a perfect, Dib-free evening with her beloved Piggy Hunter.

Without any warning, Professor Membrane's monitor screen zoomed into the living room. It darted around for a while as the professor searched, then hovered over to the couch.

"Oh daughter," asked Membrane, unfazed by his child's growl of annoyance as he swooped in front of the TV. "Have you seen that insane genius brother of yours? There's an itty-bitty problem in the city that I need his help for, but I can't seem to get a hold of his cell-phone. It's...eh, a little more than I can handle..."

In the background, screams and explosions could be heard.

"Dib's not home." Gaz answered curtly, glad there were only a commercials on.

"Oh. Well, be a good girl and bring him up to the lab."

She opened one eye skeptically. The opening strains of the 'Piggy Hunter' began to play. "Why should I?"

"Because I'm your father and I'm telling you to."

"Fine." Gaz hopped off the couch, grabbed her coat and popped an old tape in the VCR as she headed out the door.

A few blocks away...

Skoodge sat on the couch, meditatively slurping on his soda. He rubbed his double-chin. "I still don't know. Are you sure that's how you milk a human?"

"Of course I am!" huffed the computer. "You grab the fleshy bit and tug on it till the milk comes out. I've seen it on a hundred web-sites."

"But why the males? I thought only females were suppose to give milk?" Skoodge mused. "Unless the Dib was a female..."

The computer made a laughing noise. "Nah... I don't think Zim try that with a female..."

"I dunno...." The tubby Invaders chugged back an alien power-bar. "Why, I remember back in training how he use to be really good at doing...well, you know... In fact, that was the only thing he ever excelled at." Skoodge shook his head as he sighed. "Zim would have made a good Breeder if he wasn't so stupid."

"Oh, come on!" groused the computer. "Zim's a flaming fairy!"

"Computer, as G.I.R. been messing around with your CPU again? Cause, last time I checked, Zim was neither a flitting little Earth pixie nor on fire!"

"I meant 'fairy' in the other sense." Seeing that Skoodge wasn't catching on, the computer sighed. "Look, lard-bucket, I'm saying that our yappy megalomaniac is a homosexual. As in, he no be interested in the females... Heck, Zim sets off my gaydar every time he waltzes into the house!"

"He's just really happy." mumbled Skoodge, trying to defend his slightly cracked superior.

"Wanna bet?"

"Sure! 4,000 monies says that Zim is an out-an-out Breeder." The Irken grinned, sure that the computer wouldn't match his sum.

"Alrightee then," replied the computer causally. "I'll see your 4,000 monies and raise you 6,500,000 monies that our Zimmy boy is a screaming fag."

Skoodge paled. "Where...where did you get that?"

Outside, storm clouds crushed in overhead and turned the cheery sunshine into the post-apocalyptic orange glow of DREAD. The surrounding houses changed into ominously pointy shadows that clawed up into the darkened sky and loomed over the cracked road.

A ragged figure walked up the pavement, carrying a mud-caked shovel behind his back. Bloodied and dirty, he radiated an aura of terrifying purpose and rage blinded madness. When he reached the conspicuous green house, he stood, readied his shovel, and marched determinedly through the gnome-field to the door step.

[Ding-a-ling!]

Still wondering what a computer would need to have 6,500,000 monies in petty cash for, Skoodge hopped off the couch and opened the door.

Coated in dirt and gore, Dib smiled down at him, tapping the shovel against his palm. It was the sort of expression that normally comes bearing a butcher knife.

For a millisecond, the pudgy Irken stood with wide eyes and antenna drooped in fear. Then Skoodge screeched in terror, slamming the door shut and barred it with his hefty bulk.

The door shuddered for a moment, then the pounding stopped.

Skoodge relaxed a bit, hoping that Dib had just wandered off. It was quite a nasty surprise when a skeletal arm burst through and grabbed him around the neck. He struggled and squirmed against the stranglehold as he was unmercifully slammed into the door, then the hand let go.

From his new position sprawled out on the floor, Skoodge got a good view of the door as Dib bashed a massive hole in it with the shovel.

Dib leaned in, still bearing that smile. "Here's Johnny."

Meeping in pure terror, Skoodge made an attempt to flee but caught the flat end of a shovel for his trouble. The blow slung his chubby body into the alien monkey portrait and then bounced off the TV as the floppity cartoons played on. A second swing sent Skoodge flying headfirst into the toilet in the kitchen.

The smile didn't twitch as he floated over to the toilet. Grasping the toilet lid, it broadened in a way befitting scales and small wading birds.

"Where's Zim?" rasped Dib.

"Wha-what?" Skoodge gurgled.

Dib slammed the lid down violently. "Where's Zim?"

Spasming in pain, Skoodge couldn't reply.

Unfortunately, that wasn't the answer Dib wanted.

SLAM!- "Where's Zim?" SLAM!- "Where's Zim?!" SLAM!- "Where's Zim?!"

"He's not here, stupid."

The maniac grin slipped as Dib blinked, then let the lid drop with one last thump as he turned to his scowling sister. "Gaz? What the hell are you doing here?!"

"Watching you be stupid. Now, quit playing with your dumb friend and go see what Dad wants at the lab."

Dib fixed her with an icy glare. "I'm in the middle of a roaring rampage of rage and revenge here. Now, if you don't mind..." He made a little shooing motion, putting his crazy smile back on as he reached back for the toilet lid.

Growling, a back drop of fiendishly eldritch shades appeared behind Gaz as she shifted into Psycho-PMS mode. The baseball bat sprung magically into her hand.

Various grisly noises and screaming came out to the kitchen, and soon Gaz was dragging her brother, freshly beaten and bound up in another straitjacket, across the living room floor.

"Gaz...you...have...to...let...me...GO!" gasped Dib as he struggled to get loose. "Must...have...VENGANCE! This...this...is personal. Zim...Zim must PAY!"

"Then try going downtown." Gaz hissed, jerking a thumb at the TV screen.

"Huh?" Turning his head, Dib saw that the floppity cartoons had been interrupted by a Special News Bulletin.

"...Citizens flee in panic as the giant hamster borg, Mega-Ultra Peepi, runs amok through downtown." Shots of the reconstructed hamster wrecking havoc fill the screen as the news chopper flits a safe distance away. "So far the combined efforts of the army, air force, and a crack team of scientist lead by Professor Membrane have been unable to stop this relentless force of fluffy cute fury!"

In the background to all the hamster wrought carnage, technotronic music begins blaring.

(I am a little bit of loneliness...)
(...a little bit of disregard...)

Lit by the grim cockpit lights, Zim's skin gleamed a gory red as his now greenish eyes glare at the heads-up display before him. With a deftness that comes from over a hundred years of piloting machines of destruction, he brought the enormous metal claws of Mega-Ultra Peepi slashing into the side of a high-rise apartment complex. After that, he sent the hamster charging through a block of buildings, crushing the pitiful humans as they ran screaming for cover.

All the mindless violence and mayhem he was wrecking should've left the megalomaniacal Invader squealing in destructive bliss. But that had been before...

( Handful of complaints, but I can't help the fact )
( ...that everyone can see these scars...)

Zim was currently running off deep-rooted Invader conditioning. The Irken drive for conquest had been the sole reason he went out to steal...eh, 'reclaim' the hamster borg from Tak's makeshift island base. It was also the only reason he bothered to continue his mission of raining doom onto the pathetic humans.

There was no joy left in his superior heart as he callously tore a swath of annihilation through the city in his adorable hamster mecha of death. Only the ruthless efficiency of a brave, albeit very depressed, Irken solider. Once, Zim had more reason to go tearing off on a crazed riot of DOOM. And in one despicable act of deception, both were gone.

Somehow, even the screams of the dying and a constant boom of explosions couldn't brighten his mood. Now it just seem pointless and annoying to Zim, like having a very prolonged physical examination.

( I am what I want you to want...)
(...what I want you to feel...)

The pitiful military humans with their useless little missiles and planes only grated on his already his irritated nerves. It was a depressingly simple matter to stamp them into oblivion with one mighty stomp of Mega-Ultra Peepi's paw. They were hardly worth the effort.

None of these humans were worthy of destruction at Zim's hands. Not any single one of them. But there used to be a human that was worth of such a...personal touch.

( But it's like, No matter what I do, )
( I can't convince you to just believe this is real )
( ...So I let go...)

In retrospect, Zim knew this would've really impressed Dib. All the carnage, the utter brutality of his method may just have been enough to show that stuck-up little monkey just how serious a threat he, ZIM, was to the human's precious planet.

( Face away and pretend that I'm not...)

Now Dib was gone.

( ...'cause you're all that I've got... )

"WE'RE DOOMED!!!!!" screamed a technician as the wall of monitors flashed scene after scene of devastation Mega-Ultra Peepi wreaked upon the hapless city as it trudged ever nearer to the laboratory/giant robot hangar. The rest of the scientists follow suit.

"Get a hold of yourself, Simmons!" Professor Membrane barked, grasping his panicked assistant firmly by the shoulders and giving him a few 'soothing' shakes. "We are SCIENTIST man! SCIENTIST! And if there is one thing I have learned over the years, it is that SCIENCE, real SCIENCE!, always prevails!"

Dropping the dazed man, Membrane pointed a defiant finger at his latest invention: a hulking walker-type mecha with a colossal cannon dangling between its chickeny legs. "Behold! The mighty Photon Hyper-Accurate Laser-Lobbing Implosion Cannon Mech: Gundam PHALLIC!"

An awkward silence followed. Even the music, which had been trilling along in the background, came to an astonished stop.

The professor looked around confused. "What?"

The muffed replies went along the lines of "...whoa! that thing's hung like a..." and "...you need to find yourself a girl, mate...". A few snickers came from the female staff.

Glaring, Membrane crossed his arms in a gesture of supreme annoyance. "Look people, can we just forego the juvenile commentary and get back to saving life as we know it? Or would you rather be squished by a giant monster of cybernetic cuteness while laughing at my choice of acronyms?"

After some grumbling, plus the occasional remark about the professor's sex life (or lack of), the scientist went back to being all dramatic and tense as the music came back on.

"But sir! Who's going to pilot that thing?" asked a researcher.

Membrane gestured toward the main lab entrance.

Slowly, the mechanized doors hissed open in a cloud of steam and light, to reveal the pilot of Gundam PHALLIC.

( I am a little bit insecure...)
( ...a little unconfident... )

Dib, cleaned up and with an improved bionic arm, looked at the assembled subordinates as they stared vacantly back at him. He should've known this was going to be another embarrassing father-son moment when the assistant forced him to wear a skintight purple and blue flight suit.

( Cause you don't understand...)

Slumping, he let out a weary sigh and plodded over to his beaming father, trying hard to ignore the perpetual wedgie the suit gave him with each step.

( I do what I can... )

Membrane hooked his arm around his son's shoulders, unaware of the icy way Dib scowled at the half-hearted display of paternal affection. "My insane but heroic son has volunteered to pilot Gundam PHALLIC and save us all from death at the hands... eh, paws of Mega-Ultra Peepi!"

( But sometimes I don't make sense...)

Suddenly, a dim scrap of recall hit Dib. "Wait a second... Isn't this the same mech that caused the army to cut off it's funding for after they found out every person who test piloted it went completely insane from the massive photon-kinetic exposure?"

( I say what you never want to say...)

"Well, yes son. This is the same mech that cost me some funding. FOOLS! Always with their ethics and their silly concerns about pilot safety..." Membrane cut short his rant when he remembered that several of those 'fools' were standing right next to him. He beamed back at his son. "But I don't think you'll have much to worry about..."

"Why's that?"

"Cause you're already insane."

( But I never had a doubt...)

There was the briefest flicker of shock in Dib. Then came the anger...

( It's like, no matter what I do...)
( I can't convince you, )
( For once, just to hear me out...)

"I...am...not...CRAZY!!!!" he snapped, pulling off an impressive feat of getting right into the face of his exceedingly tall parent. "And I'm sick and tired of you constantly using me like some kind of a human guinea pig for your experiments! It's like I'm not even your son anymore, just a plan B for whatever stupid monster rampage or world-shattering comet or flesh eating virus you can't deal with! Most of the time, this shit happens cause you're playing at being God again! So you can take your precious real SCIENCE and shove it! I'm feed up with being humanity's fucking savior."

"So..." the professor drawled, smarting a bit from his offspring's rant. “You're going to doom all humanity to a hamstery death just to spite me?"

"No. Because the hamster's really an organic battle-mech being controlled by an alien."

( ...So I let go...)

That maniac smile had returned. "The pilot and I have unfinished business..."

(Watching you...)
(Turn you back like you always do...)

As Dib climbed into the cockpit of Gundam PHALLIC, the professor gave him a weak thumbs up then turned back to bark orders at some random assistants. After all, it takes a special kind of heartless bastard to send his own son off to battle in a soul-destroying mech...

Without breaking a sweat, Dib snapped on the engines and initiated the various start-up procedures. Lights flickered on and surrounded him in a faintly ultra-violet glow as the mech rumbled to life.

( But I'll be here...)
( 'cause you're all that I've got...)

With a deafening roar, the mech blasted out of the hangar doors and into the blaring daylight.

( I can't feel the way I did before!)

Surges of indescribable ecstasy and power danced through Dib's brain as he adjusted to the neural interface linking his body to the controls of Gundam PHALLIC. To be blunt, the sensation can only be describing as having the greatest orgasm in the EVER. The feeling was so overwhelming that for a second, Dib forgot where and even who he was.

(I won't be ignored...)

For some bizarre reason, images of Zim started flashing past his eyes.

That was enough to shock Dib out of sex-stoned bliss and back to reality... then well past rational thought into to tempestuous waters of murderous rage...

(Time won't heal this damage anymore!)

Giving in to an even more frenzied state of bloodlust than when he had attacked Skoodge, he charged full-tilt down the street, heedless of the damage caused as the mech tore through cars, building, lamp-posts, tanks, and an unfortunate street mime. After cutting his own smoldering path of destruction, Dib's mech skidded to a halt before the titanic bulk of Mega-Ultra Peepi. "Great,"

Zim yawned, idly playing with the controls. "Another weak Earth soldier. How thrilling..."

( Don't turn you back on me...)
( I won't be ignore...)

Bored, he sent the command for Peepi to hurl a piece of concrete at the stupid human toy then turned the hamster mech around.

( NOW!)

The chunk of rubble promptly exploded in a mass of jagged shrapnel, cutting through toughened hide of Peepi's backside. The hamster roar in pain.

(Hear me out now! )
( You're gonna listen to me like it or not!)
( Right NOW!)

"ZIM!!!!!!!!!!" screamed a strangely familiar voice. "You and I have unfinished business!"

"Dib?!" Stunned, the Irken turned back around to face the offending mech.

"Yes! Thought I was dead, didn't you?" Dib began laughing the crazy sort of laugh that goes well with the whir of a chain-saw.

(I can't feel...)

"LYING HUMAN!" Zim roared back, flooded with a strange fury at hearing his dead nemesis's voice. "You cannot be the Dib! He's dead! Dead! How dare you try to trick me, Zim!, in such a horrible manner!"

The cackling outburst cut off. "It's no trick! I really am Dib!"

(...time won't heal...)

"Oh, you disgusting monster!" growled the Invader. "I've had it with you smelly lies!" With that, Zim wrenched the controls hard and Mega-Ultra Peepi slammed both his fuzzy fist of fury into the pavement, sending out shockwaves that sundered the remaining buildings to either side of Gundam PHALLIC. As the last flicks of dust settled upon the mound of rumble that had buried the mech, Zim allowed himself a satisfied smirk.

"Good work, Peepi." He turned the hamster around and started off. "Now, let's..."

( Don't turn you back on me...)

Zim failed to see Dib's mech crawl out of the rumble and aim the cannon at him. He also missed the tell-tale sound of a massive energy build-up coming from behind.

But Peepi did.

( I WON'T BE IGNORED!!!!)

FWOOM!!!!

The Photon Hyper-Accurate Laser-Lobbing Implosion Cannon erupted in a display of pyrotechnic force that sent both the hamster and the mech flying backwards, leveling what few buildings that had been left standing.

Weakened and near-death, Mega-Ultra Peepi ejected Zim from the cockpit in his hamstery chest and burrowed his way deep into the bedrock beneath the city.

"What the hell was that?!" Getting up from the slab of concrete he had landed on, Zim stared at the gargantuan scorch mark leading from the newly dug monster-hamster burrow to the crumbling remains of a Chicken-Lickey restaurant several hundred city-blocks away.

Cautiously, he deployed his spider legs and staggered to the degenerate chicken eatery.

"HIYA MASTER!" squealed G.I.R. as the robot gorged itself upon looted fried chicken. "Were you thirsty for chicken too?!"

"Not now G.I.R...." Zim rasped, shoving the greasy bucket of mayo-slathered bird parts away as he advanced upon the motionless hulk of Gundam PHALLIC. He crept slowly up the side and crouched just over the cockpit as the hatch swung open.

"whoa..." Dib murmured, feeling vaguely stoned. He was part way out of the hatch when he realized someone was standing in front of him.

An eternity seemed to drag by as the human and the alien stared at each other. A burning piece of newspaper blew past, then...

"DIB!!!!" screeched Zim with an obscene smile of rapture as he pounced on the boy, sending them both falling back into the cockpit.

"I missed you, worm-boy! Missed your big ugly head! And your crazy babble! And your...And that...And those too!..."

"Hey! Get off! UMPH!" Futilely, Dib struggled to remove the clinging, squirming Irken. As he attempted to free himself, his hand accidentally hit the trigger of the excessively Freudian beam weapon...

FWOOM!

"Aww..." The defective robot grinned up at Mini-moose. "Dib missed him too!"

From there, the camera begins pulling rapidly back into an extreme aerial shot that reveals several looping letters formed by the ruins which spells,

"THE END".