CCP: Antoine: One shot

Comedy Central Presents: Antoine D'Coolette

Disclaimer: Antoine is the (c) property of Sega, Archie Comics, and DIC. Comedy Central Presents is the (c) property of Comedy Central

Announcer: Ladies & Gentlemen! Please welcome Mr. Antoine D'Coolette!

Audience: (applauded)

Antoine: Meci merci. Allo, my name iz Antoine and yes some people say that I looked like what if Jim Carrey and Wile E. Coyote ever mated.

 

Audience: (laughs)

Antoine: Some of you are laughing, the rest are crossing themselves and praying that I will not turned into Damion from "The Omen".

Audience: (laughs)

Antoine: Well now that introduction is in order, I'm am so glad that I've quit the military because it haz been my one time dream to be a stand-up comedian. But my father, Ze General said (impression of his father) "No!" (Impression of himself as a kid) "But why papa?" (Father) "Because ze people in show business, zey are, how do you say it, gay." So what does he do?

Audience: What?

Antoine: He sends me to an all-male military school. Oh zat's genius.

Audience: (laughs)

Antoine: Nothing like sending your son to and all male school to prevent him from being gay.

Audience: (laughs)

Antoine: And what is worse that this not just a military school, it's a Christian Military School.

Audience: (laughs and oohs)

Antoine: Oh yes, nuns with guns. Thanks for the torture and the suffering pop.

Audience: (laughs)

(Commercial Break)

Come and visit Anime Garden for all of the fun you want.

(Commercial Break ends)

Antoine: I've once read thees arteecle that saids agriticutural researchers says that pigs start to party whenever the ze farmer leaves.

Audience: (mumble laughs)

Antoine: That got me theenken, What do pigs do when they do party? (Does impression of a pig looking out for the farmer) Hey dude, ze farmer left ze farm.

Audience: (little laugh)

Antoine: Duude, excellent. SUUUUUEEEEEYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!! PARTY TIME!!!!!!!

Audience: (laughs)

Antoine: Zen all the pigs start up the pig music (does disco sounds) Bob shucubam, bam bam, Bop shucubam bam bam.

Audience: (laughs getting bigger)

Antoine: Some of them brought along some party punch in troughs.

Audience: (laughs)

 

Antoine: For those of you who are agricultural challenge, a trough is some sort of a giant food dish that pigs eat out of.

Audience: (Laughs)

Antoine: And there's that one pig who seems to have a little too much party. (Does impression of male pig try to pick up a female pig) Hey aren't you a cute little porker.

Audience: (laughs bigger)

Antoine: (pig impression) Why don't go to pen and play this little piggie.

Audience: (laughs bigger)

Antoine: And zese guys were doing research on it. What do they do hooked listening devices in ze pen? (Does impression of the researchers) Okay we've got one pig who trying to score with another one.

Audience: (laughs bigger)

Antoine: (does impression) and she accepted.

Audience: (laughs bigger)

Antoine: I just hate to see what will happen when ze farmer comes back. (Does a pig warning the others) Whoa you guys! Ze Farmer Is Coming Back!

Audience: (laughs bigger)

Antoine: Zen all the pigs try to clean up. (Does pig impression trying to clean)

Audience: (laughs bigger)

Antoine: (pig) Come you guys, hide everything!

Audience: (laughs bigger)

Antoine: (pig) Hey where's Porky and Pentunia? (Other pig) I theenk zey are in ze barn. (Pig) Aw man, they were hammered with the punch!

Audience: (laughs bigger)

Antoine: (pig) they probably had did it too.

Audience: (big laugh)

(Commercial Break)

If you are looking for kind and gentler Sonic stories. Then read some that are written by Mina Rose.

(Commercial Break)

Antoine: I was browsing in zis game store and I just saw ze new Nintendo "Funtography" for zere Gameboy. And ze functions are shooting pictures, stamping, game playing, trick photography, and painting.

Audience: (laughs)

Antoine: (smirk on his face) Ze whole iz in black and white.

 

Audience: (laughs)

Antoine: And it has a function for paining.

Audience: (laughs)

Antoine: Oh zat's real smart!

Audience: (laughs)

Antoine: Ze colors are black, grey, light grey, and white. Ze person who thought of this concept, must have been ze same one who's idea to put an eject button on ze remote control.

Audience: (laughs)

Antoine: (doing an impression of someone playing "Funtograhy") Ah let me see here.

Audience: (laughs)

Antoine: I think I want to color this light grey.

Audience: (laughs)

Antoine: (back to self) Oh ze wonders of technology. (Sarcastic smile)

Audience: (laughs)

(Commercial Break)

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(Commercial Break ends)

Antoine: Seven years I was in Military School, and all I could think of is "When does ze hell stop?"

Audience: (laughs)

Antoine: And ze nuns in zat school don't whack your hands with a ruler, zey make you do a hundred push-up while reciting Ze Ten Commandments.

Audience: (laughs)

Antoine: And what's worst, zey make you do it while you are taking a shower.

Audience: (laughs in disgust)

Antoine: For years I've been trying to get out school. I tried practical jokes; I tried sneaking out at night, once I even tried to put rat droppings in ze school cafeteria breakfast oatmeal.

Audience: Ewww!

Antoine: Obliviously, no one could know ze difference.

Audience: (laughs)

Antoine: I tried just every single disrespectful, devious, sinister plot I could think of to tried to escape from zat prison camp, till finally one day, when I was thirteen, I did what every single Military field is afraid of. I did ze Monty Python "Military Fairy" sketch.

Audience: (laughs and whoots)

Antoine: Yes! And ze timing was perfect. It was during ze Drill ceremony and my parents were zere. (Devilishious smile) And was in charge of ze drilling performance.

Audience: (laughs)

Antoine: Oh yes! Zey were proud of me (sarcastic smirk)

Audience: (laughs)

Antoine: How many of you would like to see it?

Audience: (laughs, whoots, and claps)

Antoine: You would?

Audience: Yes!

Antoine: All righty zen. (Gets ready to stand in position and bellows): SQUAD, CAMP IT UP! (Snaps to attention, turns right and begins to march to the right, speaking in time to the rhythm.) Look at her. I’ve got your number. You couldn’t afford me, dear.

Audience: (laughs)

Antoine counted `Two, three` as they turn to face frontward. He then shoulder off, placing his right hand on the shoulder of a pretend soldier next to him and shuffling to space out.

Antoine, as he shuffle sideways: I`ll scratch your eyes out.

Audience: (laughs)

Having shouldered off, but still with his right hand on a pretend person other shoulder, he begin a series of synchronized high kicks

(Cancan style).

Antoine, in time to the rhythm of the kicking: Don’t come the Brigadier bit with us, dear. We all know where you’ve

been, you military fairy.

Audience: (laughs)

On the word `fairy`, he strikes a pirouette pose, arms raised. He count `Two, three` as he spins, turn his back and begin a mincing march with his right hand raised and his left on his hip, counting to seven as he does so.

Antoine (Immediately following the count of seven, and turns right): Whoops!

Audience: (laughs)

Antoine then continues to march, still with hands in his previous positions.

Antoine, in time to the rhythm: Don’t look now, girls. The Major’s just minced in with the jolly Colour Sergeant.

Audience: (laughs)

Antoine pauses in the `at ease` position, with feet splayed hands resting behind his back.

Antoine counts `Two, three` and leans forward on the left leg, with the right arm bent.

Antoine: Oooooooooooh!

He returns to `at ease` position.

Audience: (laughs, hollers, and claps)

Antoine: Oh yeah, after zat, ze dean was going, (does impression of dean) "CADDET DE'COOLETTE!" "MY OFFICE

NOW!!!"

Audience: (laughs)

Antoine: That's my time! Thank you for enjoying the show! Goodnight everybody!

The audience applauses and Antoine leaves the stage.

(Rolling closing credits)