Steven Pinder

Steven Pinder
I am writing this now and here because I have no clue where else I would put it. I am putting this out as a warning to everyone because no one deserves to be mistreated the way I was mistreated. I took me a lot of sleeping in parks, streets, and looking at him watching me cry and realizing he doesn't give a damn for me to be able to do this because I really loved him more than anything, and even as I write this, I know that if he was crying in front of me the way I was crying in front of him and in need, I would probably still try to comfort him and provide for him. It is taking me a lot of strength to write this for I have realized that our relationship was one-sided the whole time and for Steven it was more about sex than love.
I have dated Steven Pinder for the last four or five months. He was my very first big love. All throughout my life I have said no to love and figured I would never get married, but for him I changed my mind. We met through his brother. A year later, I contacted him when my landlady told me to move out because she was not renewing the lease, and he began to help me out.
I thought he was so nice for helping out someone who's basically a stranger. I was warned by his brother that he would abandon me, and by Steven himself that he has a long history of walking out on girls but I did not listen. Steven had walked out on another girl he was dating to be with me, a girl he was pretending to love because she was giving him a place to stay after he had been thrown out, and it was dumb of me to figure he wouldn't do the same to me.
He has a habit of using girls and abandoning them as soon as he is bored with them.
Steven talks about people behind their backs all the time, I wonder how he spoke about me. Colleen was too relient on her mother and only translating for the dick, Pop was a bitch, he hated his brother, and Malcolm, who helped him out, had "assburgers" and he hated him also.
Perhaps my first sign should've been when he cheated on me within a week of dating me. Of course, there was no apology or guilt. Instead he asked me if I "felt a fucking way about that" and said that it didn't count as cheating because he was only making out with the girl and did not have sex with her.
Or maybe it should've been when I learned how he turned verbally abusive at the slightest argument. Any little thing, and I was "fucking retarted" or a "fucking idiot" and I would never amount to anything, and he would make fun of me for the fact I had depression and took Zoloft and call me crazy (it's rather hypocritical for him to call anyone else crazy when he was the one who wanted to kill white people and walked outside with a knife that one time). He even went as far as to accuse me of lying about my father sexually abusing me.
I know a lot of people will not believe me, particularly in Baltimore. Steven has a very outgoing and open personality, seems very friendly and can be generous, plus he's been in Baltimore all his life and has a lot of friends. I didn't believe it at first either when people started warning me. I told them they were wrong but they were right.
Steven also violates peoples' privacy and admits he gives up and abandons people easily, even those dependent on him. He read my diary and felt no shame about it when we first moved in together, and when he was angry, he snooped through my files on my computer (he asked me for my password and I gave it to him because he told me "if you loved me you wouldn't keep secrets from me...if you are ever with him and he asks you for your password, DO NOT give it to him.)
He is extremely self-righteous. Nothing is ever his own fault, always someone else's. When he finally remembered that he did rape me, instead of feeling guilty or apologizing, he tried to make up excuses for it by saying "well what about you hitting me?". He is comparing me lightly hitting him to get him to stop tickling me to him RAPING me, though when he's playing he pulls swords and lighters on me and hits me with a belt and I excused him cause he was playing. That is how self-righteous he is. In the rare instance where he does actually apologize, expect the apology to be half-hearted, and for him to not actually mean a thing he's saying for he will do the same thing again and again. After he threw out all my belongings, he was so self-righteous he pointed to the tattoo on HIS arm that said "value nothing", even though he valued his own couple pairs of jeans enough to throw out everything of mine, as if he had the right to throw out someone else's stuff to try to tell them to value nothing.
Steven is a compulsive liar. He lies about basically everything even when there is no need to. He lied to me and said he was getting air when he was gonna bandon me, lied to his ex-girlfriend and pretended to love her, lied to Malcolm so that he'd help him, I could go on and on.
Sometimes, when I did not want to have sex with him at that moment, he would just pin me down physically. This happened around two or three times. To his credit, he claims he thought I was joking when I repeatedly told him no, but I was dead serious. I stopped resisting after a while because I figured if he provides for me I owe him, and I tried to convince myself that it does not count as rape if it comes from a boyfriend you've had consensual sex with.
What really bugged me though, was that Steven would always try to leave me and abandon me for the stupidest things. I always had to chase after him and apologize to make him stay even if the argument was clearly his fault, and this happened around four or five times in a row. this bugged me because it sort of proved that he didn't love me and the slightest thing would make him not care if he ever saw me again.
One day, we were cleaning. I was helping him even though he had made the mess completely by himself because he feels I should clean up after him because he provides for me. Which is reasonable, so I did things like his laundry, going to the store, and now I was cleaning. While cleaning, I noticed my computer was unplugged, so I went to plug it back up so the battery wouldn't die (there was a warning sign on the screen that said my battery was about to die). Steven started to curse me out because he assumed I was planning on not helping him and using the computer, and I explained to him I was just putting in the plug. He didn't care, because to him nothing is ever his own fault. I became angry and stopped helping him clean the mess he made.
He threatened to leave me again. Because I had told myself I could not keep chasing someone who did not chase me, I decided to test him to see if he'd come after me and made a show of leaving.
He did not. As a matter of fact, he packed my bags for me and told me to go.
I ran out and asked the officers for a place to stay. Initally, I did not plan on telling them about the forced sex. But when they asked me what happened, asked if I had suicidal thoughts (I said yes) and why, I told them. They took me to the hospital ER for my suicidal thoughts, did a rape kit, and admitted me to the temporary psych unit because I had tried to coommit suicide before at 17.
They say I failed the rape kit. Of course I failed it. I did not report the rape for three days, after I had taken three showers, and I had recently just come on my period. The rape kit is only afective if you report it whithin 24 hours, and showers destory all evidence, it is not a 100% effective kit.
The hospital told me I had a year to decide whether or not to press charges. I decided not to press them because I had love for him still, I was sure I'd failed the rape kit and no one believed me, plus I still wasn't sure if it counted as rape if it came from your boyfriend.
When I got out of the unit, I went back home. I argued with Steven for a while. I learned we were evicted, which was okay, by the law we could stay there for 30 more days until we got a new place. Then he got the cops and told them I had raped him, which I knew he was doing because he was trying to get back at me. I brushed it off. He left with the cops.
Anxious about whether he was leaving me and whether I'd be homeless, I called him. He said he was just getting air, but I had a feeling he was lying. To try to get him to stay, I threatened to burn up his clothes and kill myself. Which I am sorry for. I was so desperate to make him come back.
I did not to either. I just ripped up a couple pairs of his jeans and cut myself (I have been self0injuring since I was a teen. I had stopped for around 2-3 years, but after I met Steven I started again.).
The cops came back, they had heard the threats and saw the cuts, and I willingly went with them to the hospital.
When I called him to apologize, he just told me he lied when I said he was getting air, I actually had a restraining order now, and hung up. Confused, I repeatedly tried to call him to apologize for threatening him.
I repeatedly called him for a week. He ignored me each time. Ms. Vanessa told me the landlady threw out my stuff.
When I got discharged, Ms. Vanessa, my former foster mother, took me to a homeless shelter and gave me five dollars to get food. I knew that I'd probably be arrested, but I spent the money on a bus ticket, took two buses and a train to come see him and give him an apology note.
By then I'd accepted that he did not love me and was going to continue to love him anyway. I told him I was sorry, I was dropping the charges. He repeatedly tried to have me arrested and walk out, but I risked my safety each time.
To my surprise, Steven did not seem to remember raping me at all. He was clearly upset and thought I'd pressed fake charges, and that we got evicted, I repeatedly apologized to him and asked why he did not remember. Then he remembered and said he'd thought I was joking when I said no. I told him I was dead serious. He still did not have any guilt for raping me, and this broke my heart.
I also learned that the landlady was not the one who threw out everything I owned (my passport, my CD collections that I spent 7 years building, my computer with irreplaceable data, he could've at least left me with one outfit to change into but he couldn't even do that), Steven was because I ripped up a few pairs of his jeans. I forgave him. He also lied and said he'd thrown out his stuff too, which I know now is a lie, because his clothes are changing every day. I have nothing but the clothes on my back.
At the end when I hugged him, told me he was planning on dropping the order eventually and come get me. I walked away with the (expired) restraining order in my hand. I was sure he was lying to make me go away but I was gonna love him anyway.
But then I saw in the restraining order that he'd told the cops I'd stabbed him. It was too late to go to the shelter, so I slept at his workplace to talk to him in the morning. I apologize for that, I was wrong.
We talked, he made it obvious he wouldn't have come for me if I had not come for him, and I ran away crying. I went about the rest of my day. I was going to do as he told me to, obey the order from now on, when I went to the library and checked my faceboook.
I found out that Steven had posted naked pictures of me on my facebook. This humiliated me and there was no way I could change this now. Instead of going to the shelter, I once again risked getting arrested to hand him a break-up letter.
I was planning on forgiving him if he proved he loved me and chased me this time, and apologized. For days I stayed in the park, sleeping there except one night when someone was kind enought to rent me a motel room because it was too cold, relying on strangers. Hoping he would come for me, ready to forgive him.
He did not. As a matter of fact, he re-entered my facebook to change my status to something embarrassing. After everything I gave up for him, after I chased him repeatedly and gave up everything I had for around a week, he couldn't even bring himself to walk down the street.
Today, I gave up. I threw a water bottle at him, ready to go to jail. Steven looked at my crying face for hours and did not care. Thankfully I was not arrested. Ms. Vanessa came and picked me up. I will not see him again, and the rape charges are back on.
Steven has a job, money, is wearing new clothes every day, is freshly showered, and I do not have a restraining order on him so he could've come for me to try to help me or apologize at any time. He did not. Strangers were kinder to me.
Please take my words seriously. No one deserves to be treated the way I was treated. No one.
I already know what Steven will say, that I'm crazy, I'm pressing false rape charges on him and that's why he doesn't want me, he did nothing wrong, please know that I have nothing to lie about. I have gained nothing from this. As a matter of fact, because I told, I became homeless and lost everything I had and was embarassed in front of the world.
Edit: I tried to stay away from him, but I ended up chasing after him and apologizing to him AGAIN and he was clearly in the wrong. He had gone to Florida, and he told me he was gonna return and needed money for a plane ticket. I stupidly believed him and sent him the only three hundred I had to my name. As soon as he received the money, he started saying that he had no ID and couldn't get back (he was just trying to get me to send him money). Days later, he hacked my facebook account YET AGAIN and changed my status into something embarrassing. This made me mad and I chased him and went to Miami (after a few months of sometimes staying on the street, sometimes in homeless shelters, sometimes with friends) and we got back together (I learned he had spent the money I sent him on cigarettes and beer instead of a plane ticket) and instead of changing, he'd mock me for try to kill myself while recording me with a video recorder and talk shit about me to some chick he cheated on me with and I left him again. He went back to Baltimore to rub in my face how little he cares and how I could come to Miami for him and he couldn't even stay in one place cause he got mad that I DARED imply he should (gasp) TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE WRONGS HE DID and then hacked my twitter account because he is like a 3 year old and could come up with nothing better.